Category Archives: Motherhood

How we named our Daughters

Our daughters’ names were birthed from a vision I received in 2012, and here’s the story and our hearts for them.

THE VISION

While pregnant with my first child, I was reminded of a vision I had on 21.02.2012. I saw myself high-kneeling in a desert, and I was held at gun point for my faith. It was a familiar sight as I had dreamt of this scene twice in the span of three months, both times jolting up awake with a physical pain in my chest as the trigger was clicked in my dream. So my immediate response when I saw this vision was, “Lord, do You not know that I will give you my ‘Yes’?” I felt like I was Peter being asked for the third time if I loved the Lord.

Just then, my vision expanded and I saw a 10-year-old girl in front of me, and I knew that she was my daughter (though I was not even married or attached at that time). She was standing a distance away from me, looking at me with tears at the brink of her eyes. It wasn’t tears of fear or anxiety, but of a simple peace and hope that seemed to be beaming out of her. But looking at her beautiful face hit me so hard, because how can I say Yes to the Lord and choose to be with Him for eternity, knowing that I’m leaving my child here on Earth? How do I give the Lord my unwavering Yes?

But as I looked into the sandy horizon, I felt the Lord impressing upon my heart that my life is not my own, and thus neither is my child’s. She belongs to the Lord, fully, and I can trust in Him. So with the “Yes” that I struggled to give as I looked into the gracious and forgiving eyes of my girl, I felt my heart lighten in peace and forgiveness for the one who held the trigger in his finger. Just as I thought I had passed this test, the Lord said, “Okay, I hear you. Now, will you live for Me?“. My life changed forever from that vision onwards.

FIRST CHILD: AMARIE

When we were thinking of names in the early months of my first pregnancy, I was reminded of this poignant moment of my life. I felt like we would be naming that girl in my vision if I were to be carrying a girl. We had not found out the gender at that point, but we started our search for names that befitted that teary-eyed courageous girl. We also wanted the name to start with an ‘A’ for the very frivolous reason of it being similar to my name.

The name Amerie came up multiple times, which means “Bravery and power; work ruler.” As much as we loved the sound of the name, the meaning of being a “work ruler” did not sit right, and writing out the name felt awkward as I felt like I was about to spell out ‘America’. (Haha) But we waited upon it and continued our hunt because we weren’t about to settle!

And one fine day (as we would have it), we found a variation of that name – Amarie. I clicked on it, and my spirit soared as I read the meaning… Amarie means “Gracious under adversity“.

How did such a meaning of a name ever exists? I mean, I was completely in awe of the depth of its meaning and how appropriately it described that girl in my vision, and the daughter we hope to raise; that she would be gracious, so so gracious even when she’s under adversity. It blew my mind.

SECOND CHILD: ARILYN

So when we conceived again, almost exactly two years after, I was reminded of this vision and naming journey that the Lord had so graciously brought us through, and knew that He would be the one to name our child again.

We came across the name Arilyn multiple times, and loved the look and sound of it. But we kept putting it aside as we could not find a meaning listed online. It wasn’t until we looked deeper into the name and broke it apart that we found that Ari means “Lion” in Hebrew (אריה/ארי), and Lyn means “Tender” from Old Germanic “lind”, which really grounded us on that essence of meekness and mercy. To be bold and courageous like a lion, and yet to hold that strength and authority in tension with a tenderness within. This is the girl we hope to raise.

This time round, it wasn’t so much of an amazement at the meaning that overwhelmed, but it was the deep sense of shalom peace and unwavering assurance that our Father has so faithfully formed and named our children in accordance to His will and design. He truly knows best, and we can trust in that.

With that, my prayer is that these two daughters of God would grow to be gracious and merciful, that like the Lord, they would be slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. (Psalm 145:8)

BONUS!

Beyond that, I also find it incredibly exciting that the Lord would scratch my itchy fascination with portmanteaus (a combination of words), and allow our family’s first names to be a beautiful one: Malcolmandamarilyn. Hehe.

Labour and Delivery of Baby (at Mt Alvernia, Singapore)

So I’m no expert of labour or delivery, since I’ve only had one child, and every child and pregnancy is super different on every perspective and proportion. But I thought to share some important things that helped me through my first delivery, while I prepare myself mentally for my second baby due in 1 months time! EEEEE~!!!

Signs of Labour

There are three main signs of labour: contractions, bloody show, and water bag break. There are just so many things to understand and know about the labour process, and I’d recommend reading this comprehensive article.

  1. Contractions
    • After reading the above linked article, the most important thing to know is when to go into the hospital. From my experience and what I’ve read:
      • Be ready when your contractions get stronger, shorter in intervals, and longer in duration consistently.
      • At what point of contractions do you go into the hospital? For first baby, go with the 4-1-1 rule, and for second baby onwards, go with the 5-1-1 rule. Which means regular, painful contractions at 4/5 minute intervals (from start of one contraction to the start of next contractions), each contraction lasting 1 minute, for over a 1 hour duration.
    • I’d recommend using the contraction timer on the Baby Center app. Download the app (Apple/Google), click on Tools, then Contraction Timer. Click Start Timing when you feel a contraction coming on, let it peak and drop till you’re comfortable again, then click Stop Timing. Repeat this for every contraction. You will have a record of Length (duration), Time apart (interval), and exact timings; as well as an average in the last hour at the bottom. This is what you will be looking out for to apply the above 4-1-1 or 5-1-1 rule.
    • Personal Experience: For my first baby, I started having contractions at about 1.30am, timed it till 3am. Within that 1.5 hours, contractions were getting closer and stronger, and was at about 6 minute intervals with 1 minute duration. So we decided to go in to the hospital at that point. Clearly, it wasn’t quite a 4-1-1 rule situation, but we figured 6-1-1.5 was close enough, hahah.
  2. Bloody Show
    • This sounds scary, but it really isn’t. In fact, it’s quite normal. It’s basically discharge with a tinge of blood when your mucus plug (or what looks like a blob of thick mucus) comes out, and it’s your body telling you, “get ready, momma!!”. You may not have contractions at this point, and there’s no urgency to rush to the hospital. But if there’s a lot of blood like your usual period, call your doctor immediately.
    • No personal experience on this, but I’ve a friends who had bloody show, and only went into the hospital 2 days – 1 week later.
  3. Water Bag Break
    • Again, I don’t have experience with this, and I kinda hope I don’t cause this does scare me. But apparently, if the break isn’t obvious with a big gush of water, sometimes it can feel like a steady trickle of pee down your leg. Which feels so embarrassing, haha!
    • But if your water bag does break, go in to the hospital immediately. Don’t wait. I do know of some mummies who still take a shower and eat a snack before going in, but doctor’s advise is: go in immediately. So take your pick? Haha.

Upon Arrival at Mt Alvernia Hospital

I can’t speak for other hospitals, but this was what happened for me at Mt Alvernia. If you’re delivering at Mt Alvernia, here’s a great guide on the hospital’s maternity facilities and procedures.

Once you arrive at the hospital, go to Medical Centre A. The nurses will offer a wheelchair if you’re in active labour, you may choose to walk if you prefer. Go up to Level 3, delivery ward.

Present your admission form to the front desk nurse, and inform her of your contraction duration and intervals. The nurses at the counter will assess if you’re in active labour or not. You may be advised to return home if you’re not in active labour yet. Which is probably a good thing because if you get checked in, and you lay in there for more than a day, you get charged extra $$. So just go home, and lay in bed for free. Haha.

In the Delivery Ward

Once I was admitted into the delivery ward, I was strapped onto the CTG machine to check your contractions and a fetal heart rate monitor, given laxatives to clear my bowels (super effective, oh my), and had an IV line injected into my hand (hated this). My gynae came in to examine me, and proceeded to break my water bag. A catheter was also inserted to maintain an empty bladder, cause I wasn’t allowed to walk around anymore. I was given oxytocin to help expedite the dilation of my cervix as I was only at 1cm when warded, but it also caused the contractions to be stronger and closer in duration. I would not recommend taking oxytocin if you’ve a choice, unless it’s super critical.

From there, it was just a waiting game for dilation. In theory, my gynae said that dilation is about 1cm per hour. But in actuality, it was more like 10cm in 10 hours, which was somewhat true for us:

  • 1am+: Contractions started
  • 3.45am: in delivery ward
  • 4am: 1cm (super slow dilation at the start)
    • The nurses kept advising me to take epidural, but I did not want to until I had to. Reason being that I just wanted to feel what contractions felt like, haha. I’d say that each contraction is actually bearable with proper breathing techniques and a relaxed mind. What I kept thinking through each contraction was, “just relax and let your body do what its created to do“, that was pretty helpful. But what broke my will was my super slow dilation and physical exhaustion, so I decided to take the epidural in the end because I didn’t wanna pass out with fatigue before pushing, and end up with a C-Sect, haha!
  • 9am: 4cm (I took Epidural at this point)
    • Was pretty anxious about this earlier on because of how the procedure sounded, but honestly I did not feel the needle at all despite the doctor attempting to insert in three times because I kept shaking/moving from the contractions. But yeah, I was a jellyfish from tummy to toes there after, and slept all the way until it was time to push cause I was so exhausted from a night without rest.
    • Also, note that it takes the doctor 30-45min to get to you upon request for epidural, and another 30min for it to take effect. So don’t wait too long if you’re in too much pain.
  • 12pm+: 7cm (sudden 3cm dilation)
  • 1pm+: 10cm (TIME TO PUSHHHH!)
    • At Mt Alvernia, the nurses will prep you very quickly, then instruct you to practice pushing before it’s really time for birthing. Once it is prime time, they will ask you to push for 10 seconds once the contraction is at its peak. They will count 1 to 10 for you while you bear down and push. Remember to engage your abs muscles and pushhhhh!
  • 1.44pm: Baby came out!

After Delivery 

Once baby pops, papa cuts umbilical cord, and baby gets the preliminary checks, you will get skin-to-skin time with baby. Honestly, I was not overwhelmed with emotions or felt a great love for my girl. Instead, I just could not even wrap my head around the fact that this baby is mine!!! Haha. But I really enjoyed cuddling her, nursing her, and slowly getting to know this stranger that’s been growing inside of me.

While doing so, your placenta gets removed, and you get cleaned up from all the blood, gunk, and beautiful mess from child birthing.

Total Expenditure in 2019

I’m not sure if this will be helpful info, but I really wanted to know how much other parents were spending for their whole pregnancy and delivery. So I thought I’d share the summary breakdown of our estimated expenditure for our first child.

  • Pre Natal Check-Ups w discounted package ($1300): $3887.14
  • Hospital Deposit: $2259
  • Hospital Fee after medisave, discounts: $3902.17
  • Post Natal Check-Ups: $131.58
  • Baby Check-Ups: $179.76
  • Total Spent: $10,359.65 (after Medisave claimable: $3,050 + $1,350 & t Alvernia Card discount of $80. The actual total was $14,839.65)

What to Pack in your Labour Bag

You’re all prepped and your home is ready for baby’s arrival. It’s time to get yourself ready for the labour room. Here’s a list of what to pack in your labour bag, or at least from my experience with Baby #1, haha.

Important Items/Documents (Original copies)

  • Post Natal medications (if your gynae prescribes them to you beforehand)
  • Identity Card or Passport (for foreigners)
  • Spouse’s/Parent’s Identity Card or Passport (for foreigners)
  • Doctor’s Admission Letter & medical health reports
  • Original marriage certificate for registration of baby’s birth certificate (unless you use the LifeSG app to register)
  • A note with your baby’s full name in English and Chinese, so that daddy won’t make a mistake while registering for Baby’s birth cert, hehe.

In the Labour Bag for Mum (in order of what you will need from arrival to discharge)

  • Chargers for phone, iPad, kindle, or any other device (cause digital age)
  • Hair tie (cause messy hair just doesn’t help a panting mummy in labour)
  • Comfy socks, cause it does get quite cold in the delivery ward
  • Diapers/Maternity Pads
  • Nursing bra and cover, for decency and convenience. Or go bra-less, hehe. Kidding.
  • Breast pumps!
  • Nipple cream. Also, have you ever heard of APNO? It’s apparently the most effective and amazing nipple ointment that is made of a special mixture of ingredients. Super fascinating, and I will probably get some from the pharmacy.
  • Two loose-fitting front-opening nighties, if you don’t want to wear the hospital gown. I just made do with Mt A’s gown, comfy enough.
  • Slippers, so you can walk around the ward comfortably
  • Personal toiletries, if you have your preferences
    • Hospitals don’t provide face wash/mouth wash, so I’d recommend bringing your own. You’d most definitely wanna wash your face and mouth after birthing, trust me. Haha.
    • Otherwise Mt Alvernia provides a complimentary toiletry pouch consisting of shampoo, shower gel, body lotion, toothbrush, toothpaste, comb, shower cap and face towel. Which is about all that you need.
  • Clothes to wear upon discharge from the hospital, I’d recommend a loose fitting dress
  • Optional items to consider:
    • Lip balm
    • Snacks (although you may not be allowed to consume before labour, depending on your situation) / Mints for fresh breath
    • Essential oils (to help you relax or alleviate any headaches)
    • Donut cushion to sit on (cause help me, Lord, I could not sit down properly for two weeks)

In the Labour Bag for Hubs

  • JACKET!!!
    • I’d even advise Hubbies to wear long pants and shoes because it does get really cold in the delivery ward. Mt Alvernia provides blankets for husbands, upon request.
  • Toiletries, cause you don’t know how long you’ll be in the hospital, and you’d want minty breaths to greet baby, haha
  • Change of clothes, just in case of any messies like vomit, blood, sweat, pee, tears. Who knows what else in the delivery ward.
  • SIDE NOTE: There’s free hot drinks from the dispenser at the delivery ward, so run out and get a cup when mummy isn’t enduring a contraction. My hubby had 7 cups of coffee in a span of 10 hours in the delivery ward, haha.

In the Labour Bag for Bub’s discharge

  • 1 pair of mittens and booties/socks
  • 1 set of baby clothing to be worn during discharge
  • 1 swaddle or blanket
  • 1 cap (Mt A. provides one, but if you don’t like stripes design, bring your own)
  • 1 face towel

Other Things to Note

  • You will go home with a Mt Alvernia bath tub, which I love. It’s just a no frills plastic tub, but very convenient and easy to clean, unlike those new age foldable silicone ones that gets dirty. Kinda wish it came in nicer colours though, hehe.
  • Oh and you will also bring home the cooling pads, maternity pads, and other items that you paid for but did not use finish.

Preparing for Baby’s Arrival (Newborn Checklist)

As Malcolm and I prepare ourselves for the arrival of Baby #2 in January 2021, I find myself making lists once again. Lists of things to buy, fix, wash, confirm, etc, and I thought to share the basic necessities required (in our opinion) for a newborn. The list is not organised in any particular order, so many apologies if it’s a mess. But hopefully this will help other mummies as they prepare for their new adventure in motherhood!

Before we jump into the list of things, I just want to tell all new mummies:
deeeeep breath in…and out. Motherhood will feel overwhelming and sometimes too much to bear, but trust me that it will get better. Take it one step at a time, don’t push and rush everything to the last minute, and have a good support system around you. And don’t be afraid to ask for help/advice/guidance. Breeeeathe~ you’ve got this.

I will do up another post on Preparing to go into Labour. But for now, here’s what we can prepare in the months leading up to Baby’s entry to Earth, and here’s a resource list of some of the items we got for our baby.

On the Newborn

  • Onesies / Tees & bottoms / Pajamas
    • I’ve found that babies go through their onesies really quickly because of poo/pee-plosions, so I’d recommend having at least 15 – 20 sets to last you a week (assuming you do laundry weekly), which equates to 2 day changes and 1 night change.
  • Mittens & booties/socks (Super essential because babies are born with long and sharp nails, which aren’t great on babies who love exploring their face)
  • Swaddles (Wrap & Instant)
    • Same as their clothes, you will need many swaddles. 1 – 2 per day after each laundry load. So 7 – 10 swaddles at least. I’d recommend getting palmerhaus swaddles cause they’re so soft!
  • Hat (to keep them warm and snuggled)
  • Jacket/outer wear (when you start heading out to colder/air-conditioned places)

In Baby’s Room/Living Space

  • Cot with mattress (without pillow/bolster cause breathing hazard)
  • Bedsheet (waterproof for poo/pee-plosions)
  • Changing table (at a comfortable height for you)
  • Changing mat (IKEA’s one works great, and it’s cheap)
  • Portable bed/crib (to move around the house easily)
  • Small light (so that you can nurse in comfort and convenience)
  • Baby camera (so you can spy on the little one when you awake from your very short slumber)
  • Play mat (for tummy time, which can start as early as 2-3 weeks for very short periods of time)

Baby bath & maintenance (lol)

  • Bath tub/mat (Mt Alvernia provides one, which I find to be the best tub ever. I do not recommend silicone/rubber tubs)
  • Soap/shampoo (Mustela foam shampoo is great for cradle cap)
  • Wash cloth (to sponge baby’s head before they go into the tub)
  • Towel (hooded towels are great, IKEA has them)
  • Moisturiser/lotion (what’s not to love about baby’s soft skin)
  • Cleansing water (or boiled cooled-down water to wipe eyes, nose, ears, etc)
  • Alcohol swabs (to wipe the umbilical cord area before it falls off)
  • Comb (if your baby has as much hair as mine, haha)
  • Newborn Diapers (Huggies often have pretty good deals for their newborn diapers)
  • Diaper cream (Triderma and mustela are great and trusted brands)
  • Wet wipes / tissue (No fragrance wipes are best)
  • Nail clipper/scissors (when you finally gain enough courage to clip those tender nails while the little one sleeps)

Feeding/Kitchen knacks

  • Burp cloths/handkerchiefs (you can’t have enough of these, fo’real)
  • Nursing cover (360 coverage is recommended)
  • Nursing bra (Shopee’s got some cheap and comfortable ones, heh)
  • Nursing pillow (Or many firm + soft cushions, haha)
  • Nipple cream (MUST! or regret)
  • Breast pumps, Electric + Haakaa (Haakaa is a neccesity to me, it not only catches letdown while baby nurses on one side, but two haakaas at the same time works as normal pumps for me too)
  • Steriliser, UV or steam (or a pot with boiling water if you’ve the time/extra help)
  • Milk storage bags (for all the liquid gold, and here’s a great storage guide)
  • Breast pads (disposable or washable works the same)
  • Milk bottles (at least 4 bottles, so you don’t go crazy washing them)
  • Drying rack storage (for all the bottles, pump parts, etc)
  • Baby dish soap + brush (tollyjoy has great dish soaps)
  • Milk powder (We use Nan Optipro. If you’re breast feeding, get one tin for standby. It should be enough for the first month)

Out we go!

  • Carrier (Happy Baby carriers are the BEST! For cheaper alternatives, Konny’s a great option)
  • Stroller (many many options for different perferences)
  • Car seat (many many options for different perferences)
  • Baby Bag: What goes in it? (Here’s a non exhaustive list because I remember being so stressed out with what to pack on our first trip out of home)
    • For pee/poop: Diapers, diaper cream, wet wipes, changing mat
    • To change: Onesie, swaddle, wet bag for soiled clothes
    • To feed: Nursing cover, haakaa, burp cloth/handkerchief, thermal flask w warm water, milk powder, milk bottles
    • For mama: water bottle, snacks, tissue

In Confinement

  • Nanny (book early)/Help from family
  • Post natal massage (Mdm Nor’s great!)
  • Maternity pads (Get Depend, bring them to hospital. No regrets)
  • Donut cushion (to sit on while you heal below)
  • Binder/wrap (any type of girdle works I guess)

Others

  • Glow app (Best app to track baby’s feed, pee/poo, sleep, growth, and mama’s expression. The doctor will probably ask you for these details at check-ups to ensure that baby is feeding and pooping well)
  • Simple rattles for tummy time (Black and white / bright coloured toys are great for the first month)

Am I missing out on any important items? Do let me know, and I will keep this list as updated as possible.
(Updated as of 11 November 2020.)

Children are not interruptions

I’ve been reading several books on motherhood in the past two years, and one that I’ve been dwelling and meditating on is Gloria Furman’s Treasuring Christ When Your Hands Are Full: Gospel Meditations for Busy Moms. Below is an excerpt from Chapter 5: A Mother’s Call to Worship, and I’d really like to share it with you:

“When I got married, my lifestyle changed. No longer single, I adapted to life with my husband, flexing and adjusting to our new life together. When I became a mother, my lifestyle changed again. There were new routines to learn, adjust, readjust, and relearn…

I did not, however, imagine that the first thing to slip out of my daily schedule would be my regular devotional time with the Lord. Sadly, my initial reaction was to blame my baby and the new stage of life… I realised that the only time I prayed was when I wasn’t busy with the baby, and I was busy taking care of her all the time. I confessed to a friend that becoming a mother made me feel that I had forgotten the Lord, and my practice of the spiritual disciplines was revealed to be codependent on my environment.

When we feel that our environment must be “just so” in order to have fellowship with God, any wild-card elements inherit the name “interruption”. A toddler’s plea for help with a game is an interruption. The children’s early bed-time is an interruption. The baby who refuses to settle down is an interruption. What if God wants to fellowship with us right where we are — even in the commotion of ordinary life?”

― Gloria Furman, Treasuring Christ When Your Hands Are Full: Gospel Meditations for Busy Moms

Reading this chapter as we come out of the Circuit Breaker really struck a deep chord in my heart. In the past 20 months of motherhood, I have so easily used Amarie as an easy excuse for the lack of time to read the Bible and pray. I’ve unknowingly called her an interruption to my me time. I’ve grown impatient and even exasperated when she doesn’t take her nap, because that means I don’t get to rest or spend alone time with God.

But over the past few weeks, I’ve grown to enjoy time with her even more, but beyond that, I’ve learnt to enjoy time with her, with God! Through this, I’ve found that it’s easier to be patient, forgiving, and loving, and it’s been so much easier to take delight in my child just as the Lord takes delight in us. So here’s to embracing motherhood with the Lord, and finding Him in every small moment.

Bedtime Cuddles

The bedtime routine for Amarie is pretty standard — shower, hugs and kisses, milk, prayer, sleep. I would lay my tired head to rest with her, stroking her hair as she hugged her bunny to sleep, before climbing out of her bed when she’s in dreamland.

Some nights she’d toss and turn quietly for a good long hour before she finally drifts off to sleep. Other nights, she would flip over to her side and KO instantly. And then, on other eventful nights, she would be up and refreshed after her milk, walking about her single bed (that’s big enough to be a playpen); jumping, laughing, climbing, screaming, crying, and playing. On such party nights (as what Malcolm and I would like to call it), I would chide and chastise (in a loving tone) her to lay back down to sleep. More than establishing a bedtime routine/habit, I needed my baby to sleep so that I, too, can rest.

But in the recent few nights, she would lay still in bed after she’s done with her milk, but would soon get up and violently push my head up till I’m sitting straight and upright. The first time this happened, I frowned and was about to grumble her back to sleep, but I waited to see what she was up to.

Using her tiny little strong hands, she would pull my legs straight, and squeeze her little bum between my thighs so that she’s nice and snuggled. She’d lean her head against my chest, resting her neck on my baby bump. It was then that I realised that she just wanted to be held and cuddled.

She would want kisses on her cheeks, and would give me kisses on both my cheeks. She would play with my freshly washed hair, and tug at my t-shirt. She would twist and turn to get comfy, but then quickly bounce up to give me a tight hug, before plopping back down into my lap as she snuggled her face into my neck. She’d play with my fingers, and stare into my eyes in the dark, and with her sweet little voice, she would giggle and poke my nose with her fingertip while saying “mama, nose!”.

I’d laugh with her, hug her tight, and hold her close to my face as I stared deep into her beautiful eyes. I would squeeze her fatty little thighs, comb her fine thick hair, and hold her hands in prayer. And the thought that would run through my mind as I feel tears sting the back of my eyes, “I love you, my child. I love you.”

How long more before you would grow out of my lap? How long more before I would be busy breastfeeding Baby #2, and have lesser time snuggling you to sleep? How long more before you would kick me out of your bed as you occupy more than half the single bed on your own? How long more can I cuddle you like this?

This little snuggle fest would go on for a good 15-20 minutes, before she would agree to lay back down on her pillow. My eyes that were once too tired to be kept open, were now locked in to her beautiful face. With each cuddle and every big yawn, I would know that she’d soon fall asleep, and drift off knowing that she is deeply loved, fully secured, and safely held.

Through the past few nights, I’ve been looking forward to bedtimes with her. Because more than wanting Amarie to be cuddled, felt loved, and held safely. I want to be held by her, kissed and loved by her too. More than letting her know that she’s dearly loved by her mama, it is through such snuggle sessions that I am reminded that I am dearly loved by her too, and beyond that, by my Father — deeply loved, fully secured, and safely held. (‘:

The Promise of This Privilege

Photo: Ronald Lim

(This article was first published on SELAH.sg on 7 October 2018.)

I got married in October last year, and ever since, my husband and I have been thrilled and blessed to journey life, hand-in-hand, with an “us against the world” mentality.

However, after my husband and I got married, the well-intended advice of “don’t get pregnant too soon; enjoy your honeymoon period with your hubby” became the source of my fear of getting pregnant “too soon.”

The common consensus among my friends was: wait for a whole year before planning to have a child, and having a child any earlier was rushing into it. After all, we have decades before us, why the urgency?

Just four months after our wedding day, I somehow felt like I could be pregnant, even though we were not planning to be yet. Before any form of excitement could kick in, worry and dread had found themselves comfortably tucked into the corners of my heart. “What if I’m really pregnant? Am I ready? My lifestyle, future, body…everything is going to change, forever.”

As this thought sank in, a deep frown spontaneously embedded itself between my brows; I felt that being impregnated was almost a taboo at such an early point in marriage, and the bitter taste of those worries lurked at the back of my throat.

We took a test — negative.

I wasn’t pregnant, and as much as I felt a tinge of sadness, I also sighed in relief. I found guilt welling up within me as I questioned my heart for the lack of excitement for a child. How selfish was I to think that bearing a child would be more of a burden than a blessing? Shouldn’t the thought of getting pregnant be a cause for joy instead of sorrow?

At the same time, was I ready for motherhood, which meant sacrificing my freedom for the rest of my life? Every thought felt too daunting; I could not bear to even start processing them.

However, something broke within me that week as I cried out to God, “I want to be able to fully celebrate with my whole heart when I do find out that I’m pregnant one day. I don’t want to ever frown upon a positive pregnancy test, or have a single tinge of worry for the future. Would You ready and change my heart to wait and rejoice in the gift of a child?”

As I surrendered my fears and worries, I felt the Lord surfacing two main issues that I had to deal with.

The Sin of Self-Centredness

It wasn’t that I did not want a child. In fact, I’ve always loved children and held hopes to start a family young. But as soon as I got married and tasted the sweetness of life alone with my hubby, selfishness got the better of me and frivolous fears became my focus when it came to pregnancy — lesser couple time, (unattractive) changes in my physical appearance, increased financial commitments, and the list went on.

The truth is: there is much wisdom in family planning, and I strongly believe that every couple should make right decisions with Godly counsel. But for myself, I knew that my heart was in the wrong place.

I was unwilling to embrace the change in a potential transition, and chose to take matters into my own hands rather than surrender my family planning into the Lord’s guidance. I had refused to quieten my heart before the Father and to seek His heart for my family, because I had chosen to hold tightly onto my fears and worries. The Lord was dealing with my heart condition, and uprooting that sin of self-centredness.

The Promise of this Privilege

On the evening that my husband asked me to be his girlfriend, I felt the Lord whispering to my heart that my womb will be blessed to carry His children. I heard it distinctively as we stared into the night sky that evening. Yet, I’d often question it when the thought of starting a family came to mind.

What if I can’t carry the baby to full-term? What if there are complications? What if I can’t even conceive at all? I’d allowed these doubts to fester over the many months and years, that by the date of my wedding, the fruit of unbelief had been borne in my heart.

As I chose to walk this path of surrendering my doubts and fears of pregnancy, I found myself entertaining these awful questions once again on a particular rainy evening. Before I could fall too deep into the pit of unbelief, I felt the Holy Spirit reprimanding my heart, “Do not curse what God has blessed.”

Psalm 127:3 came to mind: “Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him.” His words rung in my head like a blaring alarm. It is true — who am I to call my womb cursed when the Lord has promised me the privilege of pregnancy? I had to choose to hold onto His promise, and let go of my doubts.

It didn’t take long for God to carry me through this season of searching and trying my heart. I soon found myself anticipating the promise of my womb. I shared my journey in the Lord with my husband, and as we committed our family planning to the Lord in prayer, we felt ready to try having a child. Well, what can I say, God was so ready to work on His promised word, and He very quickly blessed us with a child!

It was in May this year, six months after our wedding, when my husband and I decided to take the pregnancy test again. This time round, our hearts were held in joyful anticipation as we waited for the results. The two blue lines on the stick were the most beautiful blue lines I had ever seen in my life. We burst out in joy and laughter, and held onto each other before pulling away to look down at what was a little tiny bean of a baby beneath my skin.

As I chose to embrace the transition from marriage to motherhood with a surrendered heart, God answered my prayer and brought me to a place of complete freedom and joy in celebrating the conception of this baby. Today, we await the arrival of little baby Tan!

If you find yourself at the transition of marriage and the question of starting a family comes to mind, may I urge you to pause and allow your heart to be quiet and surrendered before the Lord. He knows best, and we can trust in the timing of His blessings.