Blog – Page 3 – byamandagrace

Embracing Another

(This article was first published on SELAH.sg on 4 March 2018.)

There are people who love routines and those who are always on the lookout for the new. I’m the latter. While I love change, I wasn’t quite ready to confront the changes that took place within me as I was about to get married.

In the months leading up to the day I said “I do,” my schedule was packed with planning for the ceremony and settling housing issues with my fiancé, such that my weekly routine of suppers and coffee dates with friends were taken over by bridal studio visits, house viewings, and the infinite things on our to-do list. I began to feel like I was losing quality time with friends, and the voice of condemnation soon punctuated my thoughts, accusing me of neglecting them.

Beyond the changes in schedule, I also found the Lord working in my speech and perspectives during this season. Perhaps with the influence of my partner, I stopped enjoying making snide and snarky jokes when with my friends, and I started to see the strength of simply remaining silent. Complaining about the busyness of life soon waned and I began to speak in a language of faith and praise in relation to life’s circumstances. Challenges were also understood as opportunities to rise up and rely on the faithfulness of God.

As such, the way I shared my life with people began to change — it was focused on the good rather than the problems and frustrations. Amid this personal growth, the same voice of condemnation accused me for not “keeping it real” with my friends, and that I was simply putting a strong façade.

It was during this period that I kept hearing a nagging voice in my head, “Amanda, you’ve changed.” It wasn’t an encouraging whisper that I could revel in; instead it felt like a biting critique that only caused anxiety and self-doubt to build up within me. It rang louder and louder as the months went by, to the point that I felt like I did not know who I was anymore. Have I really lost sight of who I am in this crazy transition to marriage?

Truth is, I knew that I was changing. I did not like it because it seemed to draw me away from my friends. I began to resist these changes. In a worship service one day, I knelt before the Lord and cried out, “If change means losing my friends, then Lord, I don’t want to change.”

I wrestled hard with myself, until I felt the Lord pushing through my convoluted thoughts, “Amanda, change must be embraced for growth to happen. People who resist change do not grow. I’m growing and maturing you to become the wife you are called to be.”

It shook me.

Beyond opening up to change, it dawned on me that the Lord was shaping and preparing me to assume the title of a wife. As I let God’s words sink deeper into my heart, this truth surfaced: we must embrace change, otherwise we will fall short of the fullness of the season God is calling us into.

I don’t want to fall short in this season of marriage. I want to be the best wife I can be; the wife that the Lord has called me to be. For that to happen, I had to grow into the role.

As I journeyed from singlehood into wifehood, these two lessons have been pivotal in my life:

The person I should prioritise most in my life is my husband.

Before turning to my family or closest friends, I would first run to him with the latest updates of my life and my desperate cries for help. I have learnt to give him the first say in our schedule, even if it means giving up an impromptu movie with friends to spend a quiet night resting at home because our schedule was already so packed. I need to constantly choose to stick by him and honour him by speaking well of him in public and private, even when others would pick on his weaknesses.

I also had to learn to grasp the concept of “leaving and cleaving,” as shared in Genesis 2:24. I had to learn to prioritise the preferences and opinions of my husband, even over my own parents. A change of leadership over my life has taken place: as much as my parents will always be spiritual authorities over me, my husband is now the head of my household. When considering my career options or even home renovation ideas, I now first turn to discuss with my husband before consulting my parents. Even in the minutiae, like going along with my parents’ spontaneous plans for dinner, I now have to first consider my partner’s plans and preferences.

When two become one, we are partners on the same team.

I no longer live as I desire, but as we desire. The vision for my future isn’t just about what I want to pursue, but about what we can pursue together. I had to change my approach in how I journey through life, from running alone to running side-by-side. It wasn’t just about being the best “me” anymore; but about being the best “us.”

An evident change took place when I felt the Lord calling me out of my ministry, to allow me to better support and run with his ministry. I am today choosing to be the woman behind this successful man.

Whilst growing up, I’ve been predisposed to build a little wall around my heart, especially in relation to my weaknesses and fears. As a wife, I’ve had to learn to live in full vulnerability and openness with him. If anyone is to know me the best, it should be my husband. We are now one, after all.

I’m learning not to hide away, even when my flaws were exposed, and to remain fully accountable to him about my life and decisions. I’ve had to embrace the change of living my life transparently with him, so that he will truly know me just as how I am before Christ.

In this marriage transition, I’m now experiencing the fruits of embracing the changes which came with it. The shifting of perspectives and preferences has allowed me to become more adaptable, patient, and loving with my husband. If I had resisted to alter my old lifestyle and habits, I would have found myself in greater conflicts with the man whom I have covenanted with. We both had to change and adapt to each other, as part of this “adulting” process.

Change is scary and we often find ourselves caught in a place of resistance to make adjustments. In such moments, we can keep to our comfort zones and cry out “I don’t want to grow up so fast” or “I don’t know if I’m ready for this”. We can find ourselves stuck in a season that should be our past, when the Lord is actually calling us to grow forward.

If you find yourself in such a transition today — whether marriage, a job, ministry, or otherwise — may I urge you to fully embrace the change that comes with it. Personal growth tends to come with transformation. Walk bravely into all the Lord is calling you to; it isn’t as frightening when it is Him who is carrying you through it.

When Romance Became My Idol

(This article was first published on SELAH.sg on 1 October 2016.)

I fell in love with love

Caught up in the whirlwind of pursuing my fleshly desires, romance became an idol in my life. I found myself so deeply in love with love that I became unknowingly trapped in the pit of self-centred fantasy. This trap is subtle — we might even take some time before realising that it has captured our hearts.

I was in a fully-committed, one-sided relationship with a guy for seven years; it was a relationship that existed only in my head. Day and night, I would think of him: analysing, observing, and rationalising why it would work out for us; building air castles of what life would be like as a couple. Through those years, I gave myself every reason to hold on to him, drawing signs and conclusions from thin air that we were meant to be, even when I felt the Lord graciously nudging my heart to surrender this desire to Him.

I would constantly ask God if this was the man for me, but all I heard was “Amanda, surrender your heart to Me.” But I could not do it. It was too difficult to surrender a part of my heart that I held so dear and I did not want to let him go.

This went on until the Lord’s whisper thundered through my heart one rainy night, “He has become an idol in your life; romance has become your god.” My heart wrestled in futile disagreement: “What, that’s not possible. I’ve prayed, surrendered, and committed my heart to You so many times; what do You mean that he is an idol, that romance is my god?” But the Lord knew that I had not yielded my heart to Him.

As soon as I allowed the weight of His words to sink into my heart, I knew that He was right. I had not intended for this, but I’d allowed my heart to be so obsessed with being in a relationship with a guy, that the idolatry of romance ruled my heart. Romance became my god.

Intentions

There is nothing wrong with liking a guy…and there was nothing wrong with the guy I liked. In fact, he is a Godly man who loves the Word and has a strong relationship with the Father.

The intentions of my heart was what went wrong. I was far more interested in expediting and writing my own love story, than being fully surrendered to the Lord. I wanted to take control of my situation, and was self-reliant in my pursuit of love that I had grown deaf towards the voice of God. The more I pursued love on my own terms, the more frustrated and insecure I grew as I did not get what my heart desired.

I was in a deep and dark place, and I knew that I needed to let go of him completely. I needed God to be God and to let Him write my love story.

“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts, and My ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so My ways are higher than your ways and My thoughts higher than your thoughts.” (Isaiah 55:8-9 )

My heart began to soften to the Lord’s leading, and He brought me on a wonderful path of laying down my desire for a relationship. I memorised Matthew 5:4 (MSG) and meditated upon it as if it were medicine to my hurting soul: “You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.”

In my brokenness and strife for romance, I needed to be reminded of the One who is dearest to me — my first Love, my God. The seven years of empty longing soon gave way to a hopeful joy in the Lord. I found a new strength rising in my heart, as I learnt to trust in His intentions, timing, and promises.

Identity

A very precious and personal lesson emerged from this journey: Marriage is never the goal in this life; His kingdom is.

When romance becomes an idol, it torments us with the thought that we need a partner to feel whole, that we must get married for our lives to be complete. We may know our identity as children of God in our heads, but when romance reigns supreme, we find that the siren calls of romance roar louder than the voice of the Lord, causing us to find our identity in a person rather than in God.

We are complete and whole, even when without a relationship or marriage. I came to realise that if anything at all, marriage is a calling from the Lord to fulfil His purposes in my life and my partner’s life. It was in such a season, that Matthew 6:33 rang true, “But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.”

Letting go of him felt like I was losing a huge part of who I am. Having given my heart over to a guy for seven years, I had grown accustomed to pining for him and loving on him. But as the Holy Spirit walked with me through this journey of complete surrender, I found my heart being made whole in Christ.

Every brokenness and pain were washed away by the redemptive love of the Father. I felt completely restored in my identity in the Father, such that I was able to tell my dad this: “Papa, I think I am really okay living as a single my whole life; I do not need a marriage for my life to be complete. I can live and serve the Lord with all my heart as a single.”

I found myself thriving in a season of sweet singlehood, as I found my heart wholly devoted to my one Love and my first Love. It was in this season that I vowed to myself, “Amanda, never let any lover become more important than your First Love.”

Intimacy

When romance becomes an idol, it is easy to be swept away by the sweet nothings from a man. But when God is the God of your romance, it will be His truths that will be an anchor in your relationship. His Word and promises must always stand stronger and resonate louder than any word or promise from a man.

When I laid the idolatry of romance down at the feet of Jesus, I was finally able to say with conviction that I can love a man because God first loved us (1 John 4:19). Our love is not from ourselves or for ourselves, but it is truly from Him and for Him.

As we lay down our desires, hopes, and fears before the Lord, trust that our God is the master story teller, and His intentions are to write a beautiful love story out of our lives. May we stand firm in our identities as children of God instead of finding our security in another person. Let us never waver in our first love with Jesus, because intimacy begins with Him.

> Firsts

In life, our Firsts always seem to build a special home in our hearts – First school. First love. First job. First kiss. First car. First word.

But there is a Second that builds a roof over the First. A Second that brings perspective, hope, and light.

And that is chance.
A Second chance at any Firsts opens a new door to that desecrated home in our hearts, mends that broken window and seals that leaking pipe. Take the chance & may your Seconds be greater than your Firsts.

My first poem was of love, and my first article spoke of love. My first sermon was grounded on love, my first prayer was for love.

Love. The Love that gripped my heart beyond any love possibly can, the Love that told me who I am and breathed life into this body that is passing away as days go by.

Love told me that words matter, these words that He gave me. He reminded me, once again, that writing is not only about speaking to people, but also about speaking about Him in a world where the Word has been diluted to quotable quotes. There is great depth in the Word.

So it doesn’t matter how many times we have failed or have given up, but it matters that we get back up. To stand up again. To write again. To speak again. To dance again. To try again.

Second chance, third, fourth, fifth. Never stop getting back up.

Spaces

Deep blue ocean
Morning dew fields
Cloudless skies
Cushioned sand beaches
Mountains and hilltops
Silent valleys
Pouring waterfalls
Jungles and forests
Seaside parks
Sweet flower gardens
Eternal winding roads
Quiet museums
Dance studios
Theatre’s stage
Grand hotel lobbies
High ceiling halls
Rooftop cafes
Riverside restaurants
King sized beds

The list goes on
Of vast and open spaces.
Boundless and whole,
Free and so comfortable.
I enjoy such places and spaces,
Where I’m reminded once again
Of how tiny this life I hold,
And how great a hand that holds.
Of how my desires matters,
And how He too desires.
Of how nature speaks of beauty,
And how beauty is reflecting His nature.
Of how I have been set free,
And how freely He gives.
Love,
Love, love open vast spaces

I Wonder If You Notice

His hand finds its way to her back, large enough that it almost covers her left shoulder blade.
I wonder if she notices how he does that every time the train arrives at or leaves a station,
As if his palm is her resting place, just in case she falls backwards whenever the train jerks forwards.
His eyes gently grazes the translucence of her skin, and his fingers intertwines with her hair.
I wonder if she notices.

—

His mouth hangs wide open as his head rubs against the previous passengers’ hair stain on the window.
His shirt crumpled from a day’s work, and yet neatly buttoned and tucked in.
I wonder if he notices the frown on his forehead that is so prominent even in his sleep,
As if he is perpetually worried about his work, or family, or
Maybe beneath that worn-out work attire, he has a heart that is longing for his wife and children at home.
I wonder if he notices that.

—
Her hair falls almost perfectly upon her fair shoulders — brown, big curls, beautiful-kinda messy.
The near perfection is the most fascinating sight.
I wonder if she notices the beauty in her eyes, and the elegance in her poise, as she lifts her eyes to look at her text.
Her slender fingers curls around her phone, and the subtle purse of her lips.
She might not believe that she’s a beauty, but I wonder if she has yet to notice that she is.

—
She rests her hand on his elbow, as his hand holds onto the steely cold pole.
As if she trusted more in his strength, than the sturdiness of her sole.
I wonder if he notices that she dressed up and made up for him,
clad in an electric blue dress that brought out her best.
I wonder if he notices.

Because I noticed all of these, and I’m glad I did.
That amidst the busyness of life, the bustle and shoving on the train,
I noticed beauty and love in you, strangers.
And I hope you’ll notice that beauty in yourselves too.

Found YOU.

I’ve finally found you in the quiet,
Finally, found you in the noise.
I hear you whispering through the chaos,
And shouting through my own voice.
I was beginning to sink into the depth of my own doubts,
thoughts that
You have forsaken me,
Forgotten me,
Forgiven me, but still disappointed in me.

So when I finally found out what you did,
My heart could not contain the joy,
Oh I’m such a kid.
Because I did not find you,
Oh no, how foolish of me to think that way,
You found me.

All these while,
In this state of human passions,
I was only searching for myself.
Selfishly, stupidly,
Digging every earthly well to find no water to quench this thirst
For belonging,
Acceptance,
Compliments,
Purpose.

But all these while,
In your state of Godly passions,
You were only searching for me.
Sacrificially, sweetly,
Digging every well in my heart to pour out your love to quench my thirst
For belonging,
Acceptance,
Compliments,
Purpose.

You pursue me, over and over again.
With the sweetest of love songs,
And the warmest embrace,
I ran,
Far,
And wide,
And yet, you still came running,
With a love song on your lips,
And a hug in your arms,
You,
pursued me.

Better of Me

Life has gotten the better of me.
My time. Space. Inspirations.
They have all watered away with quiet desperations
For a greater depth in my life,
For a sea-side rest amidst the strife.
My voice has melted to murmurs,
And my sight has blurred to swirls.
Why am I here? What am I living for?
Have I not asked and found the answers to these present questions before?
And yet, the past answers now stand empty,
Unsatisfactory for these questions that now remain hefty.
They say that life is a cycle
And you will always relearn when you’ve been told.
Maybe my answers will reincarnate like fresh manna,
Feeding my spirit in my Father’s sacred manner.
So perhaps I’ll relearn the depth of His grace,
And the comfort of His loving embrace.
Because I know the inner chambers of my heart is desperate with plea,
That my God will get the better of me.

World of Grace

Caught in the battle between life and me,

Between where I am and where I want to be.
“Climb the corporate ladder,
You’ll make it one day.”
But they never warned you that your life is made of clay.
Malleable and vulnerable,
You’ll find their riches irresistible.
So you bend, and you break,
Till you get what it takes
To fake all that you are,
For this God-forbidden sake.

Merciless, this race for grace;
Billions shoving for favour in Earth’s little space.
Our eyes see its limit —
The finite space for success stories,
Where one’s victory means another man’s sorry.
Sprinting against the culture’s tide,
We run ahead where no one’s beside.
Our pride carriers us through
The creeping waves of lies.
Pseudo promises, worldly words,
Have we grown louder than the storms of this world?
Have we grown softer than our quiet heart’s purr?

The nagging thought of escape,
The lingering taste of hope.
You sense it beneath your skin,
You’ve seen it from where you’ve been.
The cruel cusses of this world’s demands,
Every fibre of you priming to reprimand
This pursuit for wealth and gains,
That comes in exchange for daily sores and pains.
‘Surrender again,’
You hear your heart convey
To your hands,
To end this strife for meaningless banes.

So your fingers un-writhe gently,
Unveiling the softest story.
The narrative that’s yours to tell,
The metaphors that joins and melts
With your desires and passions,
People’s hunger and society’s fractions.
Live it well, live it loud,
Blend right in with crowd.
In this infinite space for mercy and grace,
May our eyes begin to say,
“To shine in the darkness,
To help others up the ladder,
Because what is life, without another?”

The Ideal One

(This article was first published on SELAH.sg on 15 February 2014.)

Who has God in store for you?

We were all cramped in my friend’s living room, snuggled on the sofa, with cushions on our laps. It had became a bi-weekly routine to stay-over at each other’s homes. The lazy nights would stretch into hazy mornings, and we would often end up talking about the criteria of our ideal partners amongst other topics.

My friends knew me to be the one who would ask invasive and frequently awkward questions like: “what do you look for in a your ideal partner?”, “who would be the closest match to your ideal person?”, “who was the last person you liked?” Growing up, I was fascinated with the idea of love and romance, and I longed to know more.

We were all at the age where the idea of getting into a relationship was intriguing and exciting. It was unchartered territory, like new ground waiting to be broken. It was a topic that we never grew tired of talking about, in fact, every conversation grew in depth and heart.

Yet beyond the idea of romance, something ran deeper for me — The List.

Although I was always the one asking questions about my friends’ ideal persons, I had never really believed in coming up with a list of ideal characteristics. Because to me, that was ideal…unrealistic at best. I felt that the list was a mere construction, not something I should live by. I didn’t see the need for and importance of that list, until my uncle spoke to me one fateful December night.

He asked me: “so my dear girl, what do you look for in a guy?” I explained that I never saw a need in crafting long, idealistic lists of things. What’s the point anyway? It’s not like I’m going to find someone that perfect. He, in turn, explained the importance of it, and it actually made sense. I was wrong.

The point of a list isn’t meant for you to dream of prince charming (or princess, but for convenience sake, the male species will be addressed as the ideal person), but it is to draw you closer to God, to gain clarity of His desires for you.

Here are three steps to knowing who you should be looking out for:

1. Pray and wait on God for The List

2. Be accountable

3. Keep a look-out whilst staying focused on God

The beauty of praying and waiting on God for the list is that instead of the criteria bring centred around selfish and personal desires, they’ll be centred around the Father’s desires for you. The criteria can range from his calling to the specificity of his personality, from his looks to his habits. They are secrets which God will whisper to you over time, in His gracious attempt to help you look out for the type of person He intends for you.

Step 1 could take awhile, maybe longer than you expect. In fact, I’ve been seriously praying about it for about a year and a half now, and I’ve only got five things on my list. It is very crucial to keep in mind that the motive behind seeking God about this list is not to jot down what you want, but to write down what He wants for you. So wait on Him, He’ll reveal it to you.

The list does not merely contain the criteria of your future partner though, it should include what God wants in you for him as well. Pray and wait on God for what He is doing in you. It could be boundaries He wants you to keep, the moulding and shaping of your personality, or a change in your bad habits. As much as God is preparing a guy for you, He is also preparing you for him too.

Once you have got one or a few things written down, commit to God and sustain it in prayer. It is good to write it down, and if need be, share it with a close friend of the same gender. Having an accountability partner keeps you dedicated to your prayers and helps to build spiritual support. There is nothing quite like a friend who journeys with you.

When you have gained a clearer idea of what God has for you, it will keep you focused on looking out for a guy that God wants for you; instead of getting distracted by any handsome face or kind-hearted soul. Because ultimately, as much as love brings us joy and all that warm and fuzzy feelings, marriage is for and about God. So keep your eyes and heart on the one true Lover, and trust in His timing for you.

Wait. True love waits, and surely, the wait is worth it.