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“Anyone can love a thing because. That’s as easy as putting a penny in your pocket. But to love something despite. To know the flaws and love them too. That is rare and pure and perfect.”

Patrick Rothfuss

Maturity is a constant journey, not an eventual destination. Maturity is having learnt to ask “how have I grown through this painful season”, instead of giving in to questioning “why must I go through this”. It is understanding that it takes intentionality and courage to allow difficult situations to sharpen and shape us.

Instead of saying “I have to…”, try saying “I get to…”. #growgratefulness

Out of a wandering mind.
Away from being idle.
Razor sharp. Not dull.
At tasks, discernment, prayers, intention.

Alert, awake, aware.
Streamlined attention on what matters.
No distractions or excuses.
Hush the noise, worries, hurdles.

Focus.

Training. Taking aim. Getting ready.
Sharpening. Strengthening.
Waiting. Concentrating.
Poised.

A shift in the eyes.
A perk in the mind.
A straightening of the back.
An awakening of heart.

An expectation for more.
Quiet, strong, deep.
Facing reality, vibrant, refreshed.
Praise upon lips.

A focused mind.
A focused spirit.
A focused heart.
A focused life.

Focus.

Don’t wait for a breakthrough to start believing,
start believing and a breakthrough will come.

Don’t wait for inspiration to start creating,
start creating and inspiration will come.

Don’t wait for success to start trying,
start trying and success will come.

Don’t wait for restoration to start forgiving,
start forgiving and restoration will come.

Don’t wait for it to get easy to start enjoying,
start enjoying and it will get easier.

What are you waiting for before you start living the way you’re meant to?

I had so much fun creating this piece as an inside-page artwork for Kallos Magazine’s issue of friendship. They wanted an artwork that featured the quote, “He is your friend who pushes you nearer to God. – Abraham Kuyper”, and the illustration was drawn based off images of the members of this magazine. Below are the final product (in blue), and a few preliminary sketches.

This is a series of A4 posters custom designed for seven youth leaders from RiverLife Church. These words were penned down and created for each person as a Thank You gift for their dedication towards the youth ministry, and an encouragement as they stepped into the next season of their lives.

Final Products

A custom hand lettered piece that really blessed my heart. ♡

As I wrote the words of this verse over and over again (because mistakes were made and the artwork had to be redone from start to finish, twice), I was reminded of how meditative lettering can be, and how the Word of God is so refreshing to the soul when we take time to slow down and eat of it. Though it was slightly frustrating when I spotted the errors after completing the work, it was also a much needed pause to take and rest in His word.

Here’s a real time video of the process, from layout to testing out strokes, to just having some fun before getting the actual artwork out. Thankful for the opportunity to bring this piece of God’s Word as a birthday gift.

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Designed these florals for @littleecojoys (LEJ) packaging and branding cards.

I’ve always loved creating floral designs, so getting the chance to work on these brought much joy to my heart. LEJ wanted a simple and pretty floral design for their branding cards, and after multiple drafts, we agreed on the above.

If you’re all about sustainability or would like to get started, this is a brand worth checking out! They’ve stocked some really amazing items that I’ve enjoyed using, and would highly recommend.

These artworks were designed to be part of the set for RiverLife Church’s music album recording. These illustrations were birthed forth from the lyrics of two songs, PURSUIT and GREATER/LESS (WORTH IT ALL).

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This collaborative artwork was done for A For Apothecary‘s 2021 totebag, and I truly enjoyed the design process for this project.

Behind the Design

From the values that A For Apothecary has at heart and after discussion with them, I felt that there were four elements that best represented the brand and were to be included in this illustration:

• Mother + Baby (representing their target audience)
• Hand (representing handcrafted products)
• Floral/foliage (representing the natural ingredients used in its products)

The mother and baby were drawn with one continuous line to symbolise the beautiful, unwavering bond between mum and bub. While the floral was shaped into a wreath-like circle to bring a wholeness to its design.

Below are final design, the actual print, and some of the initial sketches.

Is there depth to the prayers you pray?
Is there weight to the words that you say?
Is there mercy in the way that you love?
Is there grace in the way that you serve?

How effortless it is, from day to day,
Through the humdrum of ordinary ways,
Swimming through the daily motion
With little to no thought or emotion.
No, it isn’t purposeless or mundane
To pray, love, and serve without any gains.

But perhaps deeper meaning can be found,
If we let our pensive roots plunge into the ground —
To source for fresher waters still,
To not just do and say, but to actually feel.
Where mindless doing and thoughtless thinking cease,
To go wild and free before we finally decease.

So let’s not love on empty,
But to pray and serve with empathy.
To find our words surged with burning power
That emboldens, encourages, and empowers.

Our daughters’ names were birthed from a vision I received in 2012, and here’s the story and our hearts for them.

THE VISION

While pregnant with my first child, I was reminded of a vision I had on 21.02.2012. I saw myself high-kneeling in a desert, and I was held at gun point for my faith. It was a familiar sight as I had dreamt of this scene twice in the span of three months, both times jolting up awake with a physical pain in my chest as the trigger was clicked in my dream. So my immediate response when I saw this vision was, “Lord, do You not know that I will give you my ‘Yes’?” I felt like I was Peter being asked for the third time if I loved the Lord.

Just then, my vision expanded and I saw a 10-year-old girl in front of me, and I knew that she was my daughter (though I was not even married or attached at that time). She was standing a distance away from me, looking at me with tears at the brink of her eyes. It wasn’t tears of fear or anxiety, but of a simple peace and hope that seemed to be beaming out of her. But looking at her beautiful face hit me so hard, because how can I say Yes to the Lord and choose to be with Him for eternity, knowing that I’m leaving my child here on Earth? How do I give the Lord my unwavering Yes?

But as I looked into the sandy horizon, I felt the Lord impressing upon my heart that my life is not my own, and thus neither is my child’s. She belongs to the Lord, fully, and I can trust in Him. So with the “Yes” that I struggled to give as I looked into the gracious and forgiving eyes of my girl, I felt my heart lighten in peace and forgiveness for the one who held the trigger in his finger. Just as I thought I had passed this test, the Lord said, “Okay, I hear you. Now, will you live for Me?“. My life changed forever from that vision onwards.

FIRST CHILD: AMARIE

When we were thinking of names in the early months of my first pregnancy, I was reminded of this poignant moment of my life. I felt like we would be naming that girl in my vision if I were to be carrying a girl. We had not found out the gender at that point, but we started our search for names that befitted that teary-eyed courageous girl. We also wanted the name to start with an ‘A’ for the very frivolous reason of it being similar to my name.

The name Amerie came up multiple times, which means “Bravery and power; work ruler.” As much as we loved the sound of the name, the meaning of being a “work ruler” did not sit right, and writing out the name felt awkward as I felt like I was about to spell out ‘America’. (Haha) But we waited upon it and continued our hunt because we weren’t about to settle!

And one fine day (as we would have it), we found a variation of that name – Amarie. I clicked on it, and my spirit soared as I read the meaning… Amarie means “Gracious under adversity“.

How did such a meaning of a name ever exists? I mean, I was completely in awe of the depth of its meaning and how appropriately it described that girl in my vision, and the daughter we hope to raise; that she would be gracious, so so gracious even when she’s under adversity. It blew my mind.

SECOND CHILD: ARILYN

So when we conceived again, almost exactly two years after, I was reminded of this vision and naming journey that the Lord had so graciously brought us through, and knew that He would be the one to name our child again.

We came across the name Arilyn multiple times, and loved the look and sound of it. But we kept putting it aside as we could not find a meaning listed online. It wasn’t until we looked deeper into the name and broke it apart that we found that Ari means “Lion” in Hebrew (אריה/ארי), and Lyn means “Tender” from Old Germanic “lind”, which really grounded us on that essence of meekness and mercy. To be bold and courageous like a lion, and yet to hold that strength and authority in tension with a tenderness within. This is the girl we hope to raise.

This time round, it wasn’t so much of an amazement at the meaning that overwhelmed, but it was the deep sense of shalom peace and unwavering assurance that our Father has so faithfully formed and named our children in accordance to His will and design. He truly knows best, and we can trust in that.

With that, my prayer is that these two daughters of God would grow to be gracious and merciful, that like the Lord, they would be slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. (Psalm 145:8)

BONUS!

Beyond that, I also find it incredibly exciting that the Lord would scratch my itchy fascination with portmanteaus (a combination of words), and allow our family’s first names to be a beautiful one: Malcolmandamarilyn. Hehe.

Seated cuddled between cushions,
your eyes peeled at the door.
You’re hoping for a visitor, or resident even,
but you’re sorely, uncertain.
The air around feels cool but cozy,
and you’ve got your toes wrapped up beneath.
You hold your breath as you hear its steps,
will it be good, or bad, or ugly.

If fear comes knocking and ringing,
may you find the courage to look through the peep hole.
If disappointment slowly enters in,
may your doormat welcome it with grace to grow.
If anger storms and shakes your rattling gate,
may your frame hold firm with truth.
And if loneliness comes to keep you company,
may you know you’re still safely held, well under your roof.

But when love finally comes to stay and bloom,
may your worthy doors be flung wide open.
When hope appears at your windowsills,
may your curtains be drawn wide as bright light spills.
When hearty laughter vibrates through the corridor,
may you chuckle and give from your very core.
And when you find faith standing boldly on your living room floor,
may you welcome it with a sweet warm drink, and quickly shut the door.

I’ve always wanted to try my hand at embroidery, and finally got down to it earlier this year with three mini projects – teachers’ day gifts, and two small pouches as birthday gifts to my precious precious friends.

After much research on the different types of stitches and embroidery techniques, I decided to go with a simple design that only required back stitch, stem stitch, and that leafy cross stitch. Drew the designs on my iPad, and traced it onto the cloth with a random black pen (I should probably get washable ink for future projects).

I think I’m most satisfied with the line art design on the small pouch, probably because the lines are the most well spaced out. I think I drew the other designs too closely so there wasn’t much space to stitch the actual product. Lesson learnt!

But anyway, just documenting it here for keep sake! (:

Teachers’ Day Gifts

Small Pouch (Line art)

Small Pouch (Calligraphy)

So I’m no expert of labour or delivery, since I’ve only had one child, and every child and pregnancy is super different on every perspective and proportion. But I thought to share some important things that helped me through my first delivery, while I prepare myself mentally for my second baby due in 1 months time! EEEEE~!!!

Signs of Labour

There are three main signs of labour: contractions, bloody show, and water bag break. There are just so many things to understand and know about the labour process, and I’d recommend reading this comprehensive article.

1. Contractions
   • After reading the above linked article, the most important thing to know is when to go into the hospital. From my experience and what I’ve read:
     • Be ready when your contractions get stronger, shorter in intervals, and longer in duration consistently.
     • At what point of contractions do you go into the hospital? For first baby, go with the 4-1-1 rule, and for second baby onwards, go with the 5-1-1 rule. Which means regular, painful contractions at 4/5 minute intervals (from start of one contraction to the start of next contractions), each contraction lasting 1 minute, for over a 1 hour duration.
   • I’d recommend using the contraction timer on the Baby Center app. Download the app (Apple/Google), click on Tools, then Contraction Timer. Click Start Timing when you feel a contraction coming on, let it peak and drop till you’re comfortable again, then click Stop Timing. Repeat this for every contraction. You will have a record of Length (duration), Time apart (interval), and exact timings; as well as an average in the last hour at the bottom. This is what you will be looking out for to apply the above 4-1-1 or 5-1-1 rule.
   • Personal Experience: For my first baby, I started having contractions at about 1.30am, timed it till 3am. Within that 1.5 hours, contractions were getting closer and stronger, and was at about 6 minute intervals with 1 minute duration. So we decided to go in to the hospital at that point. Clearly, it wasn’t quite a 4-1-1 rule situation, but we figured 6-1-1.5 was close enough, hahah.
2. Bloody Show
   • This sounds scary, but it really isn’t. In fact, it’s quite normal. It’s basically discharge with a tinge of blood when your mucus plug (or what looks like a blob of thick mucus) comes out, and it’s your body telling you, “get ready, momma!!”. You may not have contractions at this point, and there’s no urgency to rush to the hospital. But if there’s a lot of blood like your usual period, call your doctor immediately.
   • No personal experience on this, but I’ve a friends who had bloody show, and only went into the hospital 2 days – 1 week later.
3. Water Bag Break
   • Again, I don’t have experience with this, and I kinda hope I don’t cause this does scare me. But apparently, if the break isn’t obvious with a big gush of water, sometimes it can feel like a steady trickle of pee down your leg. Which feels so embarrassing, haha!
   • But if your water bag does break, go in to the hospital immediately. Don’t wait. I do know of some mummies who still take a shower and eat a snack before going in, but doctor’s advise is: go in immediately. So take your pick? Haha.

Upon Arrival at Mt Alvernia Hospital

I can’t speak for other hospitals, but this was what happened for me at Mt Alvernia. If you’re delivering at Mt Alvernia, here’s a great guide on the hospital’s maternity facilities and procedures.

Once you arrive at the hospital, go to Medical Centre A. The nurses will offer a wheelchair if you’re in active labour, you may choose to walk if you prefer. Go up to Level 3, delivery ward.

Present your admission form to the front desk nurse, and inform her of your contraction duration and intervals. The nurses at the counter will assess if you’re in active labour or not. You may be advised to return home if you’re not in active labour yet. Which is probably a good thing because if you get checked in, and you lay in there for more than a day, you get charged extra $$. So just go home, and lay in bed for free. Haha.

In the Delivery Ward

Once I was admitted into the delivery ward, I was strapped onto the CTG machine to check your contractions and a fetal heart rate monitor, given laxatives to clear my bowels (super effective, oh my), and had an IV line injected into my hand (hated this). My gynae came in to examine me, and proceeded to break my water bag. A catheter was also inserted to maintain an empty bladder, cause I wasn’t allowed to walk around anymore. I was given oxytocin to help expedite the dilation of my cervix as I was only at 1cm when warded, but it also caused the contractions to be stronger and closer in duration. I would not recommend taking oxytocin if you’ve a choice, unless it’s super critical.

From there, it was just a waiting game for dilation. In theory, my gynae said that dilation is about 1cm per hour. But in actuality, it was more like 10cm in 10 hours, which was somewhat true for us:

• 1am+: Contractions started
• 3.45am: in delivery ward
• 4am: 1cm (super slow dilation at the start)
  • The nurses kept advising me to take epidural, but I did not want to until I had to. Reason being that I just wanted to feel what contractions felt like, haha. I’d say that each contraction is actually bearable with proper breathing techniques and a relaxed mind. What I kept thinking through each contraction was, “just relax and let your body do what its created to do“, that was pretty helpful. But what broke my will was my super slow dilation and physical exhaustion, so I decided to take the epidural in the end because I didn’t wanna pass out with fatigue before pushing, and end up with a C-Sect, haha!
• 9am: 4cm (I took Epidural at this point)
  • Was pretty anxious about this earlier on because of how the procedure sounded, but honestly I did not feel the needle at all despite the doctor attempting to insert in three times because I kept shaking/moving from the contractions. But yeah, I was a jellyfish from tummy to toes there after, and slept all the way until it was time to push cause I was so exhausted from a night without rest.
  • Also, note that it takes the doctor 30-45min to get to you upon request for epidural, and another 30min for it to take effect. So don’t wait too long if you’re in too much pain.
• 12pm+: 7cm (sudden 3cm dilation)
• 1pm+: 10cm (TIME TO PUSHHHH!)
  • At Mt Alvernia, the nurses will prep you very quickly, then instruct you to practice pushing before it’s really time for birthing. Once it is prime time, they will ask you to push for 10 seconds once the contraction is at its peak. They will count 1 to 10 for you while you bear down and push. Remember to engage your abs muscles and pushhhhh!
• 1.44pm: Baby came out!

After Delivery 

Once baby pops, papa cuts umbilical cord, and baby gets the preliminary checks, you will get skin-to-skin time with baby. Honestly, I was not overwhelmed with emotions or felt a great love for my girl. Instead, I just could not even wrap my head around the fact that this baby is mine!!! Haha. But I really enjoyed cuddling her, nursing her, and slowly getting to know this stranger that’s been growing inside of me.

While doing so, your placenta gets removed, and you get cleaned up from all the blood, gunk, and beautiful mess from child birthing.

Total Expenditure in 2019

I’m not sure if this will be helpful info, but I really wanted to know how much other parents were spending for their whole pregnancy and delivery. So I thought I’d share the summary breakdown of our estimated expenditure for our first child.

• Pre Natal Check-Ups w discounted package ($1300): $3887.14
• Hospital Deposit: $2259
• Hospital Fee after medisave, discounts: $3902.17
• Post Natal Check-Ups: $131.58
• Baby Check-Ups: $179.76
• Total Spent: $10,359.65 (after Medisave claimable: $3,050 + $1,350 & t Alvernia Card discount of $80. The actual total was $14,839.65)

You’re all prepped and your home is ready for baby’s arrival. It’s time to get yourself ready for the labour room. Here’s a list of what to pack in your labour bag, or at least from my experience with Baby #1, haha.

Important Items/Documents (Original copies)

• Post Natal medications (if your gynae prescribes them to you beforehand)
• Identity Card or Passport (for foreigners)
• Spouse’s/Parent’s Identity Card or Passport (for foreigners)
• Doctor’s Admission Letter & medical health reports
• Original marriage certificate for registration of baby’s birth certificate (unless you use the LifeSG app to register)
• A note with your baby’s full name in English and Chinese, so that daddy won’t make a mistake while registering for Baby’s birth cert, hehe.

In the Labour Bag for Mum (in order of what you will need from arrival to discharge)

• Chargers for phone, iPad, kindle, or any other device (cause digital age)
• Hair tie (cause messy hair just doesn’t help a panting mummy in labour)
• Comfy socks, cause it does get quite cold in the delivery ward
• Diapers/Maternity Pads
  • I highly recommend Depend underwear (aka comfy diapers). So you don’t risk staining your comfy cotton undies, and also then there’s no need to pack extra stuff.
• Nursing bra and cover, for decency and convenience. Or go bra-less, hehe. Kidding.
• Breast pumps!
• Nipple cream. Also, have you ever heard of APNO? It’s apparently the most effective and amazing nipple ointment that is made of a special mixture of ingredients. Super fascinating, and I will probably get some from the pharmacy.
• Two loose-fitting front-opening nighties, if you don’t want to wear the hospital gown. I just made do with Mt A’s gown, comfy enough.
• Slippers, so you can walk around the ward comfortably
• Personal toiletries, if you have your preferences
  • Hospitals don’t provide face wash/mouth wash, so I’d recommend bringing your own. You’d most definitely wanna wash your face and mouth after birthing, trust me. Haha.
  • Otherwise Mt Alvernia provides a complimentary toiletry pouch consisting of shampoo, shower gel, body lotion, toothbrush, toothpaste, comb, shower cap and face towel. Which is about all that you need.
• Clothes to wear upon discharge from the hospital, I’d recommend a loose fitting dress
• Optional items to consider:
  • Lip balm
  • Snacks (although you may not be allowed to consume before labour, depending on your situation) / Mints for fresh breath
  • Essential oils (to help you relax or alleviate any headaches)
  • Donut cushion to sit on (cause help me, Lord, I could not sit down properly for two weeks)

In the Labour Bag for Hubs

• JACKET!!!
  • I’d even advise Hubbies to wear long pants and shoes because it does get really cold in the delivery ward. Mt Alvernia provides blankets for husbands, upon request.
• Toiletries, cause you don’t know how long you’ll be in the hospital, and you’d want minty breaths to greet baby, haha
• Change of clothes, just in case of any messies like vomit, blood, sweat, pee, tears. Who knows what else in the delivery ward.
• SIDE NOTE: There’s free hot drinks from the dispenser at the delivery ward, so run out and get a cup when mummy isn’t enduring a contraction. My hubby had 7 cups of coffee in a span of 10 hours in the delivery ward, haha.

In the Labour Bag for Bub’s discharge

• 1 pair of mittens and booties/socks
• 1 set of baby clothing to be worn during discharge
• 1 swaddle or blanket
• 1 cap (Mt A. provides one, but if you don’t like stripes design, bring your own)
• 1 face towel

Other Things to Note

• You will go home with a Mt Alvernia bath tub, which I love. It’s just a no frills plastic tub, but very convenient and easy to clean, unlike those new age foldable silicone ones that gets dirty. Kinda wish it came in nicer colours though, hehe.
• Oh and you will also bring home the cooling pads, maternity pads, and other items that you paid for but did not use finish.

For the past few years, I always found myself ploughing through the world wide web for a simple, clean, free, downloadable annual calendar. And to my surprise, it’s always such a tough search! So just in case you are like me, here’s one that I created for 2021.

FREE DOWNLOADABLE & PRINTABLE 2021 CALENDAR (Mon – Sun)
Specifications: A4, includes Singapore public holidays in red, with pink BG.

Or you may download the excel file that I created it in below, and edit it to how you’d like it to be. HAVE FUN!

As Malcolm and I prepare ourselves for the arrival of Baby #2 in January 2021, I find myself making lists once again. Lists of things to buy, fix, wash, confirm, etc, and I thought to share the basic necessities required (in our opinion) for a newborn. The list is not organised in any particular order, so many apologies if it’s a mess. But hopefully this will help other mummies as they prepare for their new adventure in motherhood!

Before we jump into the list of things, I just want to tell all new mummies:
deeeeep breath in…and out. Motherhood will feel overwhelming and sometimes too much to bear, but trust me that it will get better. Take it one step at a time, don’t push and rush everything to the last minute, and have a good support system around you. And don’t be afraid to ask for help/advice/guidance. Breeeeathe~ you’ve got this.

I will do up another post on Preparing to go into Labour. But for now, here’s what we can prepare in the months leading up to Baby’s entry to Earth, and here’s a resource list of some of the items we got for our baby.

On the Newborn

• Onesies / Tees & bottoms / Pajamas
  • I’ve found that babies go through their onesies really quickly because of poo/pee-plosions, so I’d recommend having at least 15 – 20 sets to last you a week (assuming you do laundry weekly), which equates to 2 day changes and 1 night change.
• Mittens & booties/socks (Super essential because babies are born with long and sharp nails, which aren’t great on babies who love exploring their face)
• Swaddles (Wrap & Instant)
  • Same as their clothes, you will need many swaddles. 1 – 2 per day after each laundry load. So 7 – 10 swaddles at least. I’d recommend getting palmerhaus swaddles cause they’re so soft!
• Hat (to keep them warm and snuggled)
• Jacket/outer wear (when you start heading out to colder/air-conditioned places)

In Baby’s Room/Living Space

• Cot with mattress (without pillow/bolster cause breathing hazard)
• Bedsheet (waterproof for poo/pee-plosions)
• Changing table (at a comfortable height for you)
• Changing mat (IKEA’s one works great, and it’s cheap)
• Portable bed/crib (to move around the house easily)
• Small light (so that you can nurse in comfort and convenience)
• Baby camera (so you can spy on the little one when you awake from your very short slumber)
• Play mat (for tummy time, which can start as early as 2-3 weeks for very short periods of time)

Baby bath & maintenance (lol)

• Bath tub/mat (Mt Alvernia provides one, which I find to be the best tub ever. I do not recommend silicone/rubber tubs)
• Soap/shampoo (Mustela foam shampoo is great for cradle cap)
• Wash cloth (to sponge baby’s head before they go into the tub)
• Towel (hooded towels are great, IKEA has them)
• Moisturiser/lotion (what’s not to love about baby’s soft skin)
• Cleansing water (or boiled cooled-down water to wipe eyes, nose, ears, etc)
• Alcohol swabs (to wipe the umbilical cord area before it falls off)
• Comb (if your baby has as much hair as mine, haha)
• Newborn Diapers (Huggies often have pretty good deals for their newborn diapers)
• Diaper cream (Triderma and mustela are great and trusted brands)
• Wet wipes / tissue (No fragrance wipes are best)
• Nail clipper/scissors (when you finally gain enough courage to clip those tender nails while the little one sleeps)

Feeding/Kitchen knacks

• Burp cloths/handkerchiefs (you can’t have enough of these, fo’real)
• Nursing cover (360 coverage is recommended)
• Nursing bra (Shopee’s got some cheap and comfortable ones, heh)
• Nursing pillow (Or many firm + soft cushions, haha)
• Nipple cream (MUST! or regret)
• Breast pumps, Electric + Haakaa (Haakaa is a neccesity to me, it not only catches letdown while baby nurses on one side, but two haakaas at the same time works as normal pumps for me too)
• Steriliser, UV or steam (or a pot with boiling water if you’ve the time/extra help)
• Milk storage bags (for all the liquid gold, and here’s a great storage guide)
• Breast pads (disposable or washable works the same)
• Milk bottles (at least 4 bottles, so you don’t go crazy washing them)
• Drying rack storage (for all the bottles, pump parts, etc)
• Baby dish soap + brush (tollyjoy has great dish soaps)
• Milk powder (We use Nan Optipro. If you’re breast feeding, get one tin for standby. It should be enough for the first month)

Out we go!

• Carrier (Happy Baby carriers are the BEST! For cheaper alternatives, Konny’s a great option)
• Stroller (many many options for different perferences)
• Car seat (many many options for different perferences)
• Baby Bag: What goes in it? (Here’s a non exhaustive list because I remember being so stressed out with what to pack on our first trip out of home)
  • For pee/poop: Diapers, diaper cream, wet wipes, changing mat
  • To change: Onesie, swaddle, wet bag for soiled clothes
  • To feed: Nursing cover, haakaa, burp cloth/handkerchief, thermal flask w warm water, milk powder, milk bottles
  • For mama: water bottle, snacks, tissue

In Confinement

• Nanny (book early)/Help from family
• Post natal massage (Mdm Nor’s great!)
• Maternity pads (Get Depend, bring them to hospital. No regrets)
• Donut cushion (to sit on while you heal below)
• Binder/wrap (any type of girdle works I guess)

Others

• Glow app (Best app to track baby’s feed, pee/poo, sleep, growth, and mama’s expression. The doctor will probably ask you for these details at check-ups to ensure that baby is feeding and pooping well)
• Simple rattles for tummy time (Black and white / bright coloured toys are great for the first month)

Am I missing out on any important items? Do let me know, and I will keep this list as updated as possible.
(Updated as of 11 November 2020.)

I’ve been reading several books on motherhood in the past two years, and one that I’ve been dwelling and meditating on is Gloria Furman’s Treasuring Christ When Your Hands Are Full: Gospel Meditations for Busy Moms. Below is an excerpt from Chapter 5: A Mother’s Call to Worship, and I’d really like to share it with you:

“When I got married, my lifestyle changed. No longer single, I adapted to life with my husband, flexing and adjusting to our new life together. When I became a mother, my lifestyle changed again. There were new routines to learn, adjust, readjust, and relearn…

I did not, however, imagine that the first thing to slip out of my daily schedule would be my regular devotional time with the Lord. Sadly, my initial reaction was to blame my baby and the new stage of life… I realised that the only time I prayed was when I wasn’t busy with the baby, and I was busy taking care of her all the time. I confessed to a friend that becoming a mother made me feel that I had forgotten the Lord, and my practice of the spiritual disciplines was revealed to be codependent on my environment.

When we feel that our environment must be “just so” in order to have fellowship with God, any wild-card elements inherit the name “interruption”. A toddler’s plea for help with a game is an interruption. The children’s early bed-time is an interruption. The baby who refuses to settle down is an interruption. What if God wants to fellowship with us right where we are — even in the commotion of ordinary life?”

― Gloria Furman, Treasuring Christ When Your Hands Are Full: Gospel Meditations for Busy Moms

Reading this chapter as we come out of the Circuit Breaker really struck a deep chord in my heart. In the past 20 months of motherhood, I have so easily used Amarie as an easy excuse for the lack of time to read the Bible and pray. I’ve unknowingly called her an interruption to my me time. I’ve grown impatient and even exasperated when she doesn’t take her nap, because that means I don’t get to rest or spend alone time with God.

But over the past few weeks, I’ve grown to enjoy time with her even more, but beyond that, I’ve learnt to enjoy time with her, with God! Through this, I’ve found that it’s easier to be patient, forgiving, and loving, and it’s been so much easier to take delight in my child just as the Lord takes delight in us. So here’s to embracing motherhood with the Lord, and finding Him in every small moment.

The bedtime routine for Amarie is pretty standard — shower, hugs and kisses, milk, prayer, sleep. I would lay my tired head to rest with her, stroking her hair as she hugged her bunny to sleep, before climbing out of her bed when she’s in dreamland.

Some nights she’d toss and turn quietly for a good long hour before she finally drifts off to sleep. Other nights, she would flip over to her side and KO instantly. And then, on other eventful nights, she would be up and refreshed after her milk, walking about her single bed (that’s big enough to be a playpen); jumping, laughing, climbing, screaming, crying, and playing. On such party nights (as what Malcolm and I would like to call it), I would chide and chastise (in a loving tone) her to lay back down to sleep. More than establishing a bedtime routine/habit, I needed my baby to sleep so that I, too, can rest.

But in the recent few nights, she would lay still in bed after she’s done with her milk, but would soon get up and violently push my head up till I’m sitting straight and upright. The first time this happened, I frowned and was about to grumble her back to sleep, but I waited to see what she was up to.

Using her tiny little strong hands, she would pull my legs straight, and squeeze her little bum between my thighs so that she’s nice and snuggled. She’d lean her head against my chest, resting her neck on my baby bump. It was then that I realised that she just wanted to be held and cuddled.

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She would want kisses on her cheeks, and would give me kisses on both my cheeks. She would play with my freshly washed hair, and tug at my t-shirt. She would twist and turn to get comfy, but then quickly bounce up to give me a tight hug, before plopping back down into my lap as she snuggled her face into my neck. She’d play with my fingers, and stare into my eyes in the dark, and with her sweet little voice, she would giggle and poke my nose with her fingertip while saying “mama, nose!”.

I’d laugh with her, hug her tight, and hold her close to my face as I stared deep into her beautiful eyes. I would squeeze her fatty little thighs, comb her fine thick hair, and hold her hands in prayer. And the thought that would run through my mind as I feel tears sting the back of my eyes, “I love you, my child. I love you.”

How long more before you would grow out of my lap? How long more before I would be busy breastfeeding Baby #2, and have lesser time snuggling you to sleep? How long more before you would kick me out of your bed as you occupy more than half the single bed on your own? How long more can I cuddle you like this?

This little snuggle fest would go on for a good 15-20 minutes, before she would agree to lay back down on her pillow. My eyes that were once too tired to be kept open, were now locked in to her beautiful face. With each cuddle and every big yawn, I would know that she’d soon fall asleep, and drift off knowing that she is deeply loved, fully secured, and safely held.

Through the past few nights, I’ve been looking forward to bedtimes with her. Because more than wanting Amarie to be cuddled, felt loved, and held safely. I want to be held by her, kissed and loved by her too. More than letting her know that she’s dearly loved by her mama, it is through such snuggle sessions that I am reminded that I am dearly loved by her too, and beyond that, by my Father — deeply loved, fully secured, and safely held. (‘:

It’s been days, weeks, months, and years,
of trying, struggling, and pressing through the tears.
You can barely breathe, but you’re still breathing,
hardly able to think, and yet still living.
Don’t lose hope now, don’t give up.
Fight another day, you’ve come this far.
Don’t back down now, don’t give in
To the voices that beckon you to leaving.
You will journey on, with grace and strength,
With your heart laid open, for love to repair
All the parts of you, broken and bare.
You will, trust me,
You will get there.

It is okay to wait
To sit and stare through the window
Hoping to have an answer
Looking for a sign
Waiting is not for the weak
But for the willing
For the one who will not give up
For the one who will breathe deep and find grace
For the one whose heart finds rest
For the one who wills it all
Even in the unknown

You have not lost yourself,
despite the change in season.
But it is through the shifting tides
that you have found yourself,
stronger, bolder, greater, bigger.
Words have not left your lips,
Neither has creativity been dammed.
You are simply growing, becoming
Into the person you will be.

Be intentional with encouragements.

Be prayerful in conversations.

Be faithful in the mundane.

Be aware of His presence.

Wherever you are, be all there.

I’ve always wanted to start blogging seriously, consistently, creatively. For all the experiences and stories that life has offered, it feels like I owe it to myself (and something more) to document pieces of this life that the Lord has blessed me with.

So, after bopping about various writing platforms over the past seven years, penning poems and choking up vulnerable articles (see selah.sg), I am finally finding my home here at byamandagrace.com.

Here’s a little bit about my story, about the very moment that set my life out into a trajectory aimed for eternity. Though I’m often failing at living for a grander purpose, I’m learning that being a good earthly steward means acknowledging the talent given, and purposefully investing and planting it into something more. And in this case, I’m discovering that the talent and seed given to me is my life, and the investment is found in the hearts that the Lord would plant this seed in.

So, here is to witnessing the wonders of life, pushing through the pains of the night, and living an expository life! ♡

P.S. I’ve transferred a few articles and poems from 2014 – 2018 onto this site as a reminder to myself of the journey I’ve taken. You may find them below.

(This article was first published on SELAH.sg on 7 October 2018.)

I got married in October last year, and ever since, my husband and I have been thrilled and blessed to journey life, hand-in-hand, with an “us against the world” mentality.

However, after my husband and I got married, the well-intended advice of “don’t get pregnant too soon; enjoy your honeymoon period with your hubby” became the source of my fear of getting pregnant “too soon.”

The common consensus among my friends was: wait for a whole year before planning to have a child, and having a child any earlier was rushing into it. After all, we have decades before us, why the urgency?

Just four months after our wedding day, I somehow felt like I could be pregnant, even though we were not planning to be yet. Before any form of excitement could kick in, worry and dread had found themselves comfortably tucked into the corners of my heart. “What if I’m really pregnant? Am I ready? My lifestyle, future, body…everything is going to change, forever.”

As this thought sank in, a deep frown spontaneously embedded itself between my brows; I felt that being impregnated was almost a taboo at such an early point in marriage, and the bitter taste of those worries lurked at the back of my throat.

We took a test — negative.

I wasn’t pregnant, and as much as I felt a tinge of sadness, I also sighed in relief. I found guilt welling up within me as I questioned my heart for the lack of excitement for a child. How selfish was I to think that bearing a child would be more of a burden than a blessing? Shouldn’t the thought of getting pregnant be a cause for joy instead of sorrow?

At the same time, was I ready for motherhood, which meant sacrificing my freedom for the rest of my life? Every thought felt too daunting; I could not bear to even start processing them.

However, something broke within me that week as I cried out to God, “I want to be able to fully celebrate with my whole heart when I do find out that I’m pregnant one day. I don’t want to ever frown upon a positive pregnancy test, or have a single tinge of worry for the future. Would You ready and change my heart to wait and rejoice in the gift of a child?”

As I surrendered my fears and worries, I felt the Lord surfacing two main issues that I had to deal with.

The Sin of Self-Centredness

It wasn’t that I did not want a child. In fact, I’ve always loved children and held hopes to start a family young. But as soon as I got married and tasted the sweetness of life alone with my hubby, selfishness got the better of me and frivolous fears became my focus when it came to pregnancy — lesser couple time, (unattractive) changes in my physical appearance, increased financial commitments, and the list went on.

The truth is: there is much wisdom in family planning, and I strongly believe that every couple should make right decisions with Godly counsel. But for myself, I knew that my heart was in the wrong place.

I was unwilling to embrace the change in a potential transition, and chose to take matters into my own hands rather than surrender my family planning into the Lord’s guidance. I had refused to quieten my heart before the Father and to seek His heart for my family, because I had chosen to hold tightly onto my fears and worries. The Lord was dealing with my heart condition, and uprooting that sin of self-centredness.

The Promise of this Privilege

On the evening that my husband asked me to be his girlfriend, I felt the Lord whispering to my heart that my womb will be blessed to carry His children. I heard it distinctively as we stared into the night sky that evening. Yet, I’d often question it when the thought of starting a family came to mind.

What if I can’t carry the baby to full-term? What if there are complications? What if I can’t even conceive at all? I’d allowed these doubts to fester over the many months and years, that by the date of my wedding, the fruit of unbelief had been borne in my heart.

As I chose to walk this path of surrendering my doubts and fears of pregnancy, I found myself entertaining these awful questions once again on a particular rainy evening. Before I could fall too deep into the pit of unbelief, I felt the Holy Spirit reprimanding my heart, “Do not curse what God has blessed.”

Psalm 127:3 came to mind: “Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him.” His words rung in my head like a blaring alarm. It is true — who am I to call my womb cursed when the Lord has promised me the privilege of pregnancy? I had to choose to hold onto His promise, and let go of my doubts.

It didn’t take long for God to carry me through this season of searching and trying my heart. I soon found myself anticipating the promise of my womb. I shared my journey in the Lord with my husband, and as we committed our family planning to the Lord in prayer, we felt ready to try having a child. Well, what can I say, God was so ready to work on His promised word, and He very quickly blessed us with a child!

It was in May this year, six months after our wedding, when my husband and I decided to take the pregnancy test again. This time round, our hearts were held in joyful anticipation as we waited for the results. The two blue lines on the stick were the most beautiful blue lines I had ever seen in my life. We burst out in joy and laughter, and held onto each other before pulling away to look down at what was a little tiny bean of a baby beneath my skin.

As I chose to embrace the transition from marriage to motherhood with a surrendered heart, God answered my prayer and brought me to a place of complete freedom and joy in celebrating the conception of this baby. Today, we await the arrival of little baby Tan!

If you find yourself at the transition of marriage and the question of starting a family comes to mind, may I urge you to pause and allow your heart to be quiet and surrendered before the Lord. He knows best, and we can trust in the timing of His blessings.

(This article was first published on SELAH.sg on 4 March 2018.)

There are people who love routines and those who are always on the lookout for the new. I’m the latter. While I love change, I wasn’t quite ready to confront the changes that took place within me as I was about to get married.

In the months leading up to the day I said “I do,” my schedule was packed with planning for the ceremony and settling housing issues with my fiancé, such that my weekly routine of suppers and coffee dates with friends were taken over by bridal studio visits, house viewings, and the infinite things on our to-do list. I began to feel like I was losing quality time with friends, and the voice of condemnation soon punctuated my thoughts, accusing me of neglecting them.

Beyond the changes in schedule, I also found the Lord working in my speech and perspectives during this season. Perhaps with the influence of my partner, I stopped enjoying making snide and snarky jokes when with my friends, and I started to see the strength of simply remaining silent. Complaining about the busyness of life soon waned and I began to speak in a language of faith and praise in relation to life’s circumstances. Challenges were also understood as opportunities to rise up and rely on the faithfulness of God.

As such, the way I shared my life with people began to change — it was focused on the good rather than the problems and frustrations. Amid this personal growth, the same voice of condemnation accused me for not “keeping it real” with my friends, and that I was simply putting a strong façade.

It was during this period that I kept hearing a nagging voice in my head, “Amanda, you’ve changed.” It wasn’t an encouraging whisper that I could revel in; instead it felt like a biting critique that only caused anxiety and self-doubt to build up within me. It rang louder and louder as the months went by, to the point that I felt like I did not know who I was anymore. Have I really lost sight of who I am in this crazy transition to marriage?

Truth is, I knew that I was changing. I did not like it because it seemed to draw me away from my friends. I began to resist these changes. In a worship service one day, I knelt before the Lord and cried out, “If change means losing my friends, then Lord, I don’t want to change.”

I wrestled hard with myself, until I felt the Lord pushing through my convoluted thoughts, “Amanda, change must be embraced for growth to happen. People who resist change do not grow. I’m growing and maturing you to become the wife you are called to be.”

It shook me.

Beyond opening up to change, it dawned on me that the Lord was shaping and preparing me to assume the title of a wife. As I let God’s words sink deeper into my heart, this truth surfaced: we must embrace change, otherwise we will fall short of the fullness of the season God is calling us into.

I don’t want to fall short in this season of marriage. I want to be the best wife I can be; the wife that the Lord has called me to be. For that to happen, I had to grow into the role.

As I journeyed from singlehood into wifehood, these two lessons have been pivotal in my life:

1. The person I should prioritise most in my life is my husband.

Before turning to my family or closest friends, I would first run to him with the latest updates of my life and my desperate cries for help. I have learnt to give him the first say in our schedule, even if it means giving up an impromptu movie with friends to spend a quiet night resting at home because our schedule was already so packed. I need to constantly choose to stick by him and honour him by speaking well of him in public and private, even when others would pick on his weaknesses.

I also had to learn to grasp the concept of “leaving and cleaving,” as shared in Genesis 2:24. I had to learn to prioritise the preferences and opinions of my husband, even over my own parents. A change of leadership over my life has taken place: as much as my parents will always be spiritual authorities over me, my husband is now the head of my household. When considering my career options or even home renovation ideas, I now first turn to discuss with my husband before consulting my parents. Even in the minutiae, like going along with my parents’ spontaneous plans for dinner, I now have to first consider my partner’s plans and preferences.

2. When two become one, we are partners on the same team.

I no longer live as I desire, but as we desire. The vision for my future isn’t just about what I want to pursue, but about what we can pursue together. I had to change my approach in how I journey through life, from running alone to running side-by-side. It wasn’t just about being the best “me” anymore; but about being the best “us.”

An evident change took place when I felt the Lord calling me out of my ministry, to allow me to better support and run with his ministry. I am today choosing to be the woman behind this successful man.

Whilst growing up, I’ve been predisposed to build a little wall around my heart, especially in relation to my weaknesses and fears. As a wife, I’ve had to learn to live in full vulnerability and openness with him. If anyone is to know me the best, it should be my husband. We are now one, after all.

I’m learning not to hide away, even when my flaws were exposed, and to remain fully accountable to him about my life and decisions. I’ve had to embrace the change of living my life transparently with him, so that he will truly know me just as how I am before Christ.

In this marriage transition, I’m now experiencing the fruits of embracing the changes which came with it. The shifting of perspectives and preferences has allowed me to become more adaptable, patient, and loving with my husband. If I had resisted to alter my old lifestyle and habits, I would have found myself in greater conflicts with the man whom I have covenanted with. We both had to change and adapt to each other, as part of this “adulting” process.

Change is scary and we often find ourselves caught in a place of resistance to make adjustments. In such moments, we can keep to our comfort zones and cry out “I don’t want to grow up so fast” or “I don’t know if I’m ready for this”. We can find ourselves stuck in a season that should be our past, when the Lord is actually calling us to grow forward.

If you find yourself in such a transition today — whether marriage, a job, ministry, or otherwise — may I urge you to fully embrace the change that comes with it. Personal growth tends to come with transformation. Walk bravely into all the Lord is calling you to; it isn’t as frightening when it is Him who is carrying you through it.

(This article was first published on SELAH.sg on 1 October 2016.)

I fell in love with love

Caught up in the whirlwind of pursuing my fleshly desires, romance became an idol in my life. I found myself so deeply in love with love that I became unknowingly trapped in the pit of self-centred fantasy. This trap is subtle — we might even take some time before realising that it has captured our hearts.

I was in a fully-committed, one-sided relationship with a guy for seven years; it was a relationship that existed only in my head. Day and night, I would think of him: analysing, observing, and rationalising why it would work out for us; building air castles of what life would be like as a couple. Through those years, I gave myself every reason to hold on to him, drawing signs and conclusions from thin air that we were meant to be, even when I felt the Lord graciously nudging my heart to surrender this desire to Him.

I would constantly ask God if this was the man for me, but all I heard was “Amanda, surrender your heart to Me.” But I could not do it. It was too difficult to surrender a part of my heart that I held so dear and I did not want to let him go.

This went on until the Lord’s whisper thundered through my heart one rainy night, “He has become an idol in your life; romance has become your god.” My heart wrestled in futile disagreement: “What, that’s not possible. I’ve prayed, surrendered, and committed my heart to You so many times; what do You mean that he is an idol, that romance is my god?” But the Lord knew that I had not yielded my heart to Him.

As soon as I allowed the weight of His words to sink into my heart, I knew that He was right. I had not intended for this, but I’d allowed my heart to be so obsessed with being in a relationship with a guy, that the idolatry of romance ruled my heart. Romance became my god.

Intentions

There is nothing wrong with liking a guy…and there was nothing wrong with the guy I liked. In fact, he is a Godly man who loves the Word and has a strong relationship with the Father.

The intentions of my heart was what went wrong. I was far more interested in expediting and writing my own love story, than being fully surrendered to the Lord. I wanted to take control of my situation, and was self-reliant in my pursuit of love that I had grown deaf towards the voice of God. The more I pursued love on my own terms, the more frustrated and insecure I grew as I did not get what my heart desired.

I was in a deep and dark place, and I knew that I needed to let go of him completely. I needed God to be God and to let Him write my love story.

“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts, and My ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so My ways are higher than your ways and My thoughts higher than your thoughts.” (Isaiah 55:8-9)

My heart began to soften to the Lord’s leading, and He brought me on a wonderful path of laying down my desire for a relationship. I memorised Matthew 5:4 (MSG) and meditated upon it as if it were medicine to my hurting soul: “You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.”

In my brokenness and strife for romance, I needed to be reminded of the One who is dearest to me — my first Love, my God. The seven years of empty longing soon gave way to a hopeful joy in the Lord. I found a new strength rising in my heart, as I learnt to trust in His intentions, timing, and promises.

Identity

A very precious and personal lesson emerged from this journey: Marriage is never the goal in this life; His kingdom is.

When romance becomes an idol, it torments us with the thought that we need a partner to feel whole, that we must get married for our lives to be complete. We may know our identity as children of God in our heads, but when romance reigns supreme, we find that the siren calls of romance roar louder than the voice of the Lord, causing us to find our identity in a person rather than in God.

We are complete and whole, even when without a relationship or marriage. I came to realise that if anything at all, marriage is a calling from the Lord to fulfil His purposes in my life and my partner’s life. It was in such a season, that Matthew 6:33 rang true, “But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.”

Letting go of him felt like I was losing a huge part of who I am. Having given my heart over to a guy for seven years, I had grown accustomed to pining for him and loving on him. But as the Holy Spirit walked with me through this journey of complete surrender, I found my heart being made whole in Christ.

Every brokenness and pain were washed away by the redemptive love of the Father. I felt completely restored in my identity in the Father, such that I was able to tell my dad this: “Papa, I think I am really okay living as a single my whole life; I do not need a marriage for my life to be complete. I can live and serve the Lord with all my heart as a single.”

I found myself thriving in a season of sweet singlehood, as I found my heart wholly devoted to my one Love and my first Love. It was in this season that I vowed to myself, “Amanda, never let any lover become more important than your First Love.”

Intimacy

When romance becomes an idol, it is easy to be swept away by the sweet nothings from a man. But when God is the God of your romance, it will be His truths that will be an anchor in your relationship. His Word and promises must always stand stronger and resonate louder than any word or promise from a man.

When I laid the idolatry of romance down at the feet of Jesus, I was finally able to say with conviction that I can love a man because God first loved us (1 John 4:19). Our love is not from ourselves or for ourselves, but it is truly from Him and for Him.

As we lay down our desires, hopes, and fears before the Lord, trust that our God is the master story teller, and His intentions are to write a beautiful love story out of our lives. May we stand firm in our identities as children of God instead of finding our security in another person. Let us never waver in our first love with Jesus, because intimacy begins with Him.

In life, our Firsts always seem to build a special home in our hearts – First school. First love. First job. First kiss. First car. First word.

But there is a Second that builds a roof over the First. A Second that brings perspective, hope, and light.

And that is chance.
A Second chance at any Firsts opens a new door to that desecrated home in our hearts, mends that broken window and seals that leaking pipe. Take the chance & may your Seconds be greater than your Firsts.

My first poem was of love, and my first article spoke of love. My first sermon was grounded on love, my first prayer was for love.

Love. The Love that gripped my heart beyond any love possibly can, the Love that told me who I am and breathed life into this body that is passing away as days go by.

Love told me that words matter, these words that He gave me. He reminded me, once again, that writing is not only about speaking to people, but also about speaking about Him in a world where the Word has been diluted to quotable quotes. There is great depth in the Word.

So it doesn’t matter how many times we have failed or have given up, but it matters that we get back up. To stand up again. To write again. To speak again. To dance again. To try again.

Second chance, third, fourth, fifth. Never stop getting back up.

Deep blue ocean
Morning dew fields
Cloudless skies
Cushioned sand beaches
Mountains and hilltops
Silent valleys
Pouring waterfalls
Jungles and forests
Seaside parks
Sweet flower gardens
Eternal winding roads
Quiet museums
Dance studios
Theatre’s stage
Grand hotel lobbies
High ceiling halls
Rooftop cafes
Riverside restaurants
King sized beds

The list goes on
Of vast and open spaces.
Boundless and whole,
Free and so comfortable.
I enjoy such places and spaces,
Where I’m reminded once again
Of how tiny this life I hold,
And how great a hand that holds.
Of how my desires matters,
And how He too desires.
Of how nature speaks of beauty,
And how beauty is reflecting His nature.
Of how I have been set free,
And how freely He gives.
Love,
Love, love open vast spaces

His hand finds its way to her back, large enough that it almost covers her left shoulder blade.
I wonder if she notices how he does that every time the train arrives at or leaves a station,
As if his palm is her resting place, just in case she falls backwards whenever the train jerks forwards.
His eyes gently grazes the translucence of her skin, and his fingers intertwines with her hair.
I wonder if she notices.

—

His mouth hangs wide open as his head rubs against the previous passengers’ hair stain on the window.
His shirt crumpled from a day’s work, and yet neatly buttoned and tucked in.
I wonder if he notices the frown on his forehead that is so prominent even in his sleep,
As if he is perpetually worried about his work, or family, or
Maybe beneath that worn-out work attire, he has a heart that is longing for his wife and children at home.
I wonder if he notices that.

—
Her hair falls almost perfectly upon her fair shoulders — brown, big curls, beautiful-kinda messy.
The near perfection is the most fascinating sight.
I wonder if she notices the beauty in her eyes, and the elegance in her poise, as she lifts her eyes to look at her text.
Her slender fingers curls around her phone, and the subtle purse of her lips.
She might not believe that she’s a beauty, but I wonder if she has yet to notice that she is.

—
She rests her hand on his elbow, as his hand holds onto the steely cold pole.
As if she trusted more in his strength, than the sturdiness of her sole.
I wonder if he notices that she dressed up and made up for him,
clad in an electric blue dress that brought out her best.
I wonder if he notices.

Because I noticed all of these, and I’m glad I did.
That amidst the busyness of life, the bustle and shoving on the train,
I noticed beauty and love in you, strangers.
And I hope you’ll notice that beauty in yourselves too.

I’ve finally found you in the quiet,
Finally, found you in the noise.
I hear you whispering through the chaos,
And shouting through my own voice.
I was beginning to sink into the depth of my own doubts,
thoughts that
You have forsaken me,
Forgotten me,
Forgiven me, but still disappointed in me.

So when I finally found out what you did,
My heart could not contain the joy,
Oh I’m such a kid.
Because I did not find you,
Oh no, how foolish of me to think that way,
You found me.

All these while,
In this state of human passions,
I was only searching for myself.
Selfishly, stupidly,
Digging every earthly well to find no water to quench this thirst
For belonging,
Acceptance,
Compliments,
Purpose.

But all these while,
In your state of Godly passions,
You were only searching for me.
Sacrificially, sweetly,
Digging every well in my heart to pour out your love to quench my thirst
For belonging,
Acceptance,
Compliments,
Purpose.

You pursue me, over and over again.
With the sweetest of love songs,
And the warmest embrace,
I ran,
Far,
And wide,
And yet, you still came running,
With a love song on your lips,
And a hug in your arms,
You,
pursued me.

Life has gotten the better of me.
My time. Space. Inspirations.
They have all watered away with quiet desperations
For a greater depth in my life,
For a sea-side rest amidst the strife.
My voice has melted to murmurs,
And my sight has blurred to swirls.
Why am I here? What am I living for?
Have I not asked and found the answers to these present questions before?
And yet, the past answers now stand empty,
Unsatisfactory for these questions that now remain hefty.
They say that life is a cycle
And you will always relearn when you’ve been told.
Maybe my answers will reincarnate like fresh manna,
Feeding my spirit in my Father’s sacred manner.
So perhaps I’ll relearn the depth of His grace,
And the comfort of His loving embrace.
Because I know the inner chambers of my heart is desperate with plea,
That my God will get the better of me.

Caught in the battle between life and me,

Between where I am and where I want to be.
“Climb the corporate ladder,
You’ll make it one day.”
But they never warned you that your life is made of clay.
Malleable and vulnerable,
You’ll find their riches irresistible.
So you bend, and you break,
Till you get what it takes
To fake all that you are,
For this God-forbidden sake.

Merciless, this race for grace;
Billions shoving for favour in Earth’s little space.
Our eyes see its limit —
The finite space for success stories,
Where one’s victory means another man’s sorry.
Sprinting against the culture’s tide,
We run ahead where no one’s beside.
Our pride carriers us through
The creeping waves of lies.
Pseudo promises, worldly words,
Have we grown louder than the storms of this world?
Have we grown softer than our quiet heart’s purr?

The nagging thought of escape,
The lingering taste of hope.
You sense it beneath your skin,
You’ve seen it from where you’ve been.
The cruel cusses of this world’s demands,
Every fibre of you priming to reprimand
This pursuit for wealth and gains,
That comes in exchange for daily sores and pains.
‘Surrender again,’
You hear your heart convey
To your hands,
To end this strife for meaningless banes.

So your fingers un-writhe gently,
Unveiling the softest story.
The narrative that’s yours to tell,
The metaphors that joins and melts
With your desires and passions,
People’s hunger and society’s fractions.
Live it well, live it loud,
Blend right in with crowd.
In this infinite space for mercy and grace,
May our eyes begin to say,
“To shine in the darkness,
To help others up the ladder,
Because what is life, without another?”

(This article was first published on SELAH.sg on 15 February 2014.)

Who has God in store for you?

We were all cramped in my friend’s living room, snuggled on the sofa, with cushions on our laps. It had became a bi-weekly routine to stay-over at each other’s homes. The lazy nights would stretch into hazy mornings, and we would often end up talking about the criteria of our ideal partners amongst other topics.

My friends knew me to be the one who would ask invasive and frequently awkward questions like: “what do you look for in a your ideal partner?”, “who would be the closest match to your ideal person?”, “who was the last person you liked?” Growing up, I was fascinated with the idea of love and romance, and I longed to know more.

We were all at the age where the idea of getting into a relationship was intriguing and exciting. It was unchartered territory, like new ground waiting to be broken. It was a topic that we never grew tired of talking about, in fact, every conversation grew in depth and heart.

Yet beyond the idea of romance, something ran deeper for me — The List.

Although I was always the one asking questions about my friends’ ideal persons, I had never really believed in coming up with a list of ideal characteristics. Because to me, that was ideal…unrealistic at best. I felt that the list was a mere construction, not something I should live by. I didn’t see the need for and importance of that list, until my uncle spoke to me one fateful December night.

He asked me: “so my dear girl, what do you look for in a guy?” I explained that I never saw a need in crafting long, idealistic lists of things. What’s the point anyway? It’s not like I’m going to find someone that perfect. He, in turn, explained the importance of it, and it actually made sense. I was wrong.

The point of a list isn’t meant for you to dream of prince charming (or princess, but for convenience sake, the male species will be addressed as the ideal person), but it is to draw you closer to God, to gain clarity of His desires for you.

Here are three steps to knowing who you should be looking out for:

1. Pray and wait on God for The List

2. Be accountable

3. Keep a look-out whilst staying focused on God

The beauty of praying and waiting on God for the list is that instead of the criteria bring centred around selfish and personal desires, they’ll be centred around the Father’s desires for you. The criteria can range from his calling to the specificity of his personality, from his looks to his habits. They are secrets which God will whisper to you over time, in His gracious attempt to help you look out for the type of person He intends for you.

Step 1 could take awhile, maybe longer than you expect. In fact, I’ve been seriously praying about it for about a year and a half now, and I’ve only got five things on my list. It is very crucial to keep in mind that the motive behind seeking God about this list is not to jot down what you want, but to write down what He wants for you. So wait on Him, He’ll reveal it to you.

The list does not merely contain the criteria of your future partner though, it should include what God wants in you for him as well. Pray and wait on God for what He is doing in you. It could be boundaries He wants you to keep, the moulding and shaping of your personality, or a change in your bad habits. As much as God is preparing a guy for you, He is also preparing you for him too.

Once you have got one or a few things written down, commit to God and sustain it in prayer. It is good to write it down, and if need be, share it with a close friend of the same gender. Having an accountability partner keeps you dedicated to your prayers and helps to build spiritual support. There is nothing quite like a friend who journeys with you.

When you have gained a clearer idea of what God has for you, it will keep you focused on looking out for a guy that God wants for you; instead of getting distracted by any handsome face or kind-hearted soul. Because ultimately, as much as love brings us joy and all that warm and fuzzy feelings, marriage is for and about God. So keep your eyes and heart on the one true Lover, and trust in His timing for you.

Wait. True love waits, and surely, the wait is worth it.